


Ten Seconds For Disaster

by ariane2014



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 19:25:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2479685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariane2014/pseuds/ariane2014
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My very first completed fanfiction. Originally published on FF.net on February 23, 2014 (Note that for ease of my brain I'll be splitting chapters the way they were on FF.net)</p>
<p>The idea came to me when I was sick for about a week with the flu and I had been reading a story Falling. I became inspired to write this piece after speaking with the author and she gave me permission to go ahead and write it. So I rolled up my sleeves, and dove right in and had so much fun doing it that I'm still writing today.</p>
<p>Plot Summary: When Leonardo makes a mistake during training, he must fight to rectify the situation or risk losing everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

April's eyes widened in terror as six Footbots surrounded her in the darkened alleyway. 'Great idea to leave your tessan at home today, April. That was really smart.' She thought bitterly as she remembered that she had almost considered grabbing it from under her pillow before deciding against it, telling herself "You are just going to the market 2 blocks away. Nothing is going to happen. Relax, you're becoming as paranoid as Leo."

'Right' she heard herself think sarcastically, 'nothing is going to happen.' Her thoughts instantly drifted to her brothers who she had texted when she sensed she was being followed about halfway to her destination. They had assured her that they would be there as soon as they could and to just hold on until they arrived. She believed that they would get here...

At least she kept telling herself they would arrive in time. It wasn't that April doubted that they would come for her, they always did. But she could only run for so long, could only fight them off so many times, before exhaustion would claim her. Already she could feel it's effects, slowing her movements, weighing her down and holding her back. After all, unlike her pursuers, April is human.

Still, she held on. She promised them after all, and a ninja never breaks a promise. Drawing in a deep breath, she clenched her sore hands into fists, got herself positioned into a kamae and growled, "Well? Who wants me?!" She saw the Footbots share a look (could they even do that?!) and as their eyes glowed red they crept towards her, activating their many hidden weapons, and April swallowed as fear swept through her like a flood. She braced herself for what she believed would be a finishing blow as two of the Footbots leapt at her, swords raised and poised for attack.

Except, that blow never came. Instead, she heard the metallic clang of blade on blade and felt the familiar presence of her brothers surround her. April opened her eyes, not even aware that she had clenched them shut, and looked into the deep brown eyes that belonged to Donatello. "Donnie!" She exclaimed, relief taking over where fear once resided as she looked around her to see that Leo and Raph had both positioned themselves to block the two attacking Footbots, and Mikey was taunting the other four robots who almost seemed confused as to the sudden presence of the four terrapins. "You guys made it" was all her exhausted mind could think of to say.

"Of course we did, April" came Donnie's response, a smile forming on his face. He had placed his hand on her shoulder while his brothers moved in to block the attacks of the Footbots, taking this moment to assure himself that although she was slightly bruised, she was going to pull through alright. "I-I mean we-will always come through for you."

April glanced up at Donnie as she heard his misspeak. With an internal sigh, she muttered with a smile "Yes, I know."

Leo's voice rang out as he pushed the Footbot back, "Donnie and Mikey, get April to the lair where she'll be safe. Raph and I will handle these Footbots." His eyes met with April's for a moment, and April thought she saw some emotion flash through his normally tranquil blue gaze for the briefest of instances. But just as quickly as it had appeared, it vanished leaving the "calm, cool and collected" eyes of the leader she knew and loved.

As April let herself be carried away from the battle by Mikey and Donnie, her thoughts swirled around that flash of emotion that at once looked so familiar and yet so strange in Leo's blue eyes. When they finally reached the lair and Donnie had started examining her injuries, she finally figured out why that expression seemed so strange to her. 'It was anger,' she mentally declared, 'but not on the level he usually expresses...no, this was more extreme. This was...like Raph.' Her mouth dropped as the realization hit her and she whispered, "He was angry."

Donnie had been focusing on examining April's injuries, plus he was trying to ignore Mikey playing games on his T-phone while standing just behind him, so April's comment took him by surprise. He had assumed she was too exhausted to talk, so he was losing himself in his thoughts as he worked in the near silence of his lab, but he returned to the real world enough to ask, "Who do you mean? Raph? He's always angry about something, you know."

April shook her head as she said, "Not Raph. Leo. It felt like Raph's anger, but it was coming from Leo. And only for a split second because it went away almost immediately." April watched as both Donnie and Mikey stopped what they were doing and froze, their expressions revealing shock and the smallest hint of -was that- fear? Suddenly nervous, April continued, "But it was probably nothing, right? Right?"

Mikey put a hand on April's shoulder, a bona fide Mikey-grin plastered on his face, and said "Of course it doesn't mean anything. I mean, you know Leo. The dude never gets angry." He locked eyes with April before moving his gaze on to Donnie, who took in a deep breath before muttering, "Yeah. Mikey's right. There's nothing to worry about."

April's gaze shifted warily between the both of them. When Mikey had looked her in the eyes, she was clearly able to see that Mikey was hiding something big. With his bright blue eyes, he couldn't hide anything from anyone who didn't know him at least a little bit. Sure he could fool strangers, but friends and family were completely different. And April wasn't a stranger. Deciding to put this away for later she said, "You're right Mikey. I'm sure I was just imagining it."

Mikey patted her on the back before he moved to the living room where he would wait for his brothers to get back home. They wouldn't be much longer now after all.

Donnie stood up and gazed down at April with a relieved and tired expression as he asked, "Are you ok?" April nodded and started to stand up as she heard the tell-tale sounds of Leo and Raph arriving home.


	2. Chapter 2

"We are back!" Raph exclaimed, obviously still enjoying the post-battle rush he got whenever he reigned victorious over an entertaining foe.

"Shhh!" Leo hissed, annoyance making him slightly impatient with Raph's outburst. "This is when Sensei likes to meditate, or did you forget that?!"

Raph just rolled his eyes as Mikey rushed over to give the both of them a huge hug. "Welcome back bros! I was starting to think we were going to have save you guys from Karai!"

Donnie had exited the lab by this time and he asked both his older brothers, "Any injuries guys?" Of course, he was going to look over them himself, but he always liked to ask them first. As he approached them, he still hadn't noticed anything glaringly obvious, but he gazed directly into Leo's eyes, knowing fully well how Leo often tries to downplay his own injuries in order to ensure that everyone else is taken care of first. At least if Donnie stared into Leo's eyes, the chances of Leo successfully pulling off a lie were practically zero.

Leo shook his head, "Nothing serious. Raph has a few bruises, and I got a few scratches, and these are but mere flesh wounds. The Footbots are in way worse condition." He smirked a bit as he referenced a moment from a movie he had seen a long time ago "Minty Python and the Holy Mail".

A collective groan erupted from Donnie, Mikey, Raph and even April. Mikey looked at him and muttered, "I can't believe you just did that, dude." With a defeated sigh, Leo moved to the couch and sat down, wondering if he would ever say anything cool enough to impress his brothers.

Leo pretended not to notice that Donnie, Mikey and Raph all went into the dojo where, no matter how hard Leo may try, the only way to hear whatever they were talking about would be to walk over there himself, and he just didn't feel like doing it. His thoughts were spiraling down and centering on one instant where he felt the beginnings of anger rush through him.

It was where he thought, for the briefest of moments, that they were going to lose April to Karai's Footbots. He gave no order, his eyes glazed and he moved with such speed that his brothers had no choice but to follow him. Not that they wouldn't have anyway, but Leo's rashness in those milliseconds could have resulted in one of his brothers becoming seriously injured.

Groaning inwardly, he started berating himself for the lack of planning by repeating Master Splinter's lessons in his head. 'A warrior does not give in to his emotions. A leader always maintains complete control of his faculties. Anger clouds your judgement, only when you are calm can you effectively lead your team to safety.' On and on he went, furthering his descent into the all too familiar self-doubt that always crept up on him after a mission. 'I'm sorry Sensei. I don't deserve the title of leadership. I'm sorry Raph, it's my fault you got banged up...both then and now...'

The sudden sensation of being the center of someone's attention stopped his thoughts, as he looked up and saw April he grinned and asked, "You feeling better?"

April knew all too well about how Leo would always second guess himself after a mission, it didn't matter how successful it was, or if no one got hurt...he would always begin doubting his leadership and his decisions. "I'm fine. I was actually wanting to ask you if you were going to be alright. You seemed upset."

Leo barked out a laugh, "Yes. I'm going to be alright. Just doing the usual..." His eyes dropped downward as he stared at his hands nervously.

April regarded Leo for a moment before saying, "Well everyone made it home in one piece. You did a great job leading everyone today, so don't worry about it too much. You'll give yourself an ulcer." She winked as she saw his expression lighten up a bit as she headed to the dojo, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Leo watched April go to where the rest of his brothers were with an expression of gratitude on his face. She was right. Everyone made it home. A bit banged up, yes, but alive. Feeling better, he decided to head over to his room so he could do some meditating. He wasn't sure he was ready for, what he believed was, his brothers' and his sensei's disappointment in him. He couldn't have been further from the truth.

As April entered the dojo, hushed whispers greeted her ears. Her eyes widened at the urgency behind them until she felt 3 pairs of eyes rest on her. She stopped, feeling awkward as she wasn't sure if she was entirely welcome here. After all, she hadn't exactly left them on the best of terms when her father was mutated into a giant bat. It wouldn't surprise her if they didn't exactly welcome her with open arms everywhere she went. Donnie approached her as she mentally prepared herself for the rejection she was sure was going to come her way. When his hand rested on her shoulder, she gazed into his brown eyes as he asked, "Why don't you tell us more about what you saw in Leo's eyes earlier this afternoon, April? After all you're the only one who noticed it."

April's jaw dropped. She wasn't expecting them to be talking about this! 'I thought...never mind.' With a puzzled expression on her face she inquired, "I thought you said it was nothing to worry about?"

Raph stood up and muttered darkly, "Well, it depends on what you really saw. Whether or not Leo was truly angered, or if he was just annoyed. Because there's a huge difference between the two, and it's important for you to understand that."

April's gaze moved between the three figures in the room with her. Uncertainty clawed at her chest, and she wasn't too sure she could breathe in the tense atmosphere the dojo had suddenly adapted. "Why?" Was all she could manage to ask, not to anyone in particular.

Mikey answered this time, his voice taking on a tone more 'not-Mikey' than she had ever heard, "There's a reason Leo doesn't let his emotions show like we do every now and then. You should really ask him to tell you. If you really saw and felt what you believe you did, you may be the only one to get him to let go of the past and stop hurting himself over what happened when we were learning how to use our weapons."

April's eyes widened as Mikey's voice trailed away at the end. Forcing her thoughts into words she asked, "What do you mean? What happened?!"

"Well you see, Leo and Raph-" Donnie started to answer, trying his best to keep everyone calm.

"No. Leo tells her. None of us have the right to." Raph interrupted, casting glances at his younger brothers to ensure they understood. He focused his attention onto April once more as he suggested, "Fearless is probably meditating in his room right now. He'll get mad if any of us barge in there, but seeing as you are our only sister he will most likely let it slide. Just make sure you make him understand that I forgave him for these" he gestured to the scars on his shell "a long time ago. He doesn't listen to me when I say it anymore." With that, he turned and focused all his attention on the punching bag, tuning out everyone else and maybe even the whole world. Donnie and Mikey followed suit, with one heading to his lab, and the other going to the kitchen to figure out what was going to be for dinner that evening.


	3. Chapter 3

April hesitated for a moment, remaining in the dojo as her brain struggled to digest what she had just learned. Fortunately, or unfortunately, there was only one person who could satisfy her gnawing curiosity. What she wasn't absolutely certain of was how willing he would be to talk to her. Finally working up the courage, she approached Leo's door and knocked.

Leo was just about finished with his meditation when a knock on the door brought him back to reality in a rush. With a weary sigh he hollered just loud enough for the individual on the other side to hear "Come in, April!" He enjoyed the surprised expression on her face as she walked in. "If you're wondering how I knew it was you," he started, "there are two things that gave you away. First, you knocked. My brothers would've just barged right in. Second, I sensed you coming."

April was willing to admit she was surprised that Leo had known it was her all along, but she pushed it away as she muttered in a teasing manner, "Freaking ninjas." Leo rolled his eyes and patted the spot next to him on his bed, gesturing for her to come and sit down. She studied him, watching for any indication if he knew what she was up to, and then promptly obliged.

Leo gazed at her with concern as he felt there was something on her mind that was bothering her. Worrying that something had upset her, he asked "What's wrong, April?"

April shook her head, staring at the floor as she responded "Stop your worrying. I'm fine. I just had a conversation with the others, and I wanted to ask you a few things...if it's alright with you of course."

Confusion clouded his eyes for a few short moments, but as Leo answered "Yes, of course it's alright" his expression cleared again. April was determined to get to the bottom of this, but now that she was here she had no idea where to start. Her mind blanked as she struggled to find the perfect way to start this conversation that was sure to be painful if what Raph said about having forgiven him for those scars on his shell was any indicator. 'Oh, just spit it out April!' She reprimanded herself. 'Just do it fast, like pulling off a band-aid!' Taking in a deep breath, and watching as Leo's expression became more and more anxious by the second, she finally released the question that had been burning her from the inside since a little while ago within the dojo, "Leo, did you have anything to do with the scars on Raph's shell?"

Leo went rigid, a sharp intake a breath being the only indicator that he had not only heard the question, but understood the implications surrounding it. His eyes darkened to a near navy color and a shiver passed through him. 'Oh no! She knows! She'll never look at me the same!' Were the only thoughts in his shocked mind, as if on a playlist that was set on repeat. He was only vaguely aware of April trying to shake him back into reality, her voice raising in panic as she kept saying his name.

After what felt like hours, but he would later realize to have been only a minute or two, he finally pulled himself together enough to answer in a sullen, broken voice "Yes. I have everything to do with those." He clenched his hands into fists as he stared at them, self-loathing filling him as he gazed at his hands. His wretched, cursed hands! They've done nothing but harm his loved ones! They were tainted! He...was tainted...

April now understood why the others had asked her to talk to Leo about this. She could see it in the way Leo continued to just stare at his hands like he absolutely hated himself. Obviously Donnie, Mikey and Raph had all tried to get him to move past this. But Leo would never let them see how much it bothered him, especially now that he was the leader of the team. Her heart ached to see one of the most important people in her whole life suffering like this. Steeling her nerve, she placed her hands on top of his, waited for his sad gaze to meet hers and said, "Talk to me. Tell me what happened."

Leo stared into April's expectant eyes as he realized that she wasn't going to let him wallow in his own pit of self-disgust any longer. With an exasperated sigh, he began, "Well, it was when we were first learning how to use our metal weapons. We had been practicing with wooden ones until Sensei decided we were old enough not to hurt ourselves by mishandling our new partners. Believe it or not, I was almost like Raph back then. I didn't know what it meant to be 'in control' or 'responsible'."

April raised a brow at that. "Really?!" She asked incredulously, "I find that very hard to believe."

Leo let out a humorless laugh as he continued, "Yeah, well some things are just beyond our control. For better or worse, we change as a result of them."


	4. Chapter 4

-Flashback 5 years ago: Age 10-

"Remember, my sons," Splinter cautioned as he walked over to the locked closet where the weapons for his four rowdy boys were kept, "a true ninja always maintains perfect control over their mind, bodies and emotions. For without perfect balance, inner peace can never last." He had meditated for months as he had trained them in the basic use of ninja weapons, at least of the wooden variety, watching and observing how they moved with each type so that when the time came for them to graduate to their eternal aibu, they would have the weapon that fit them best. 'After all, the weapon must choose you just as much as you choose it.'

As he reached the locked door, he swung around, taking in the excited gazes of his four sons. This was the day that they had been waiting for for weeks! The day they got their true weapons! Splinter chuckled, "Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo. After much meditation I have selected weapons for each of you, based on your ability, discipline and fighting style. Are you ready for the next stage of your training? This will require you to be responsible and maintain perfect control over your emotions. After all, these aren't just 'wooden sticks' as Raphael pointed out the other day. These have the potential to seriously injure others."

"Hai, Sensei!" Came the simultaneous response from all four of his students.

With a smile on his face, Splinter turned back toward the door, and unlocked it. Grasping two sheathed katana, he ordered, "Leonardo, come forward." As he heard the excited footsteps of his eldest approaching him, he found himself thinking back to when he was instructing the four turtles on kenjutsu, at least with boken, how Leonardo's movements flowed smoothly from one to the other like water. As he moved to face his eldest, he thought 'Yes. This is the correct choice for Leonardo.' "My son, I present to you, these katana. May you use them responsibly and with honor." He watched with great pride as Leonardo pressed his left fist into his right palm, bowed, graciously accepted his katana and went back to his seat.

He repeated this ceremony with each of his remaining sons. Raphael was given the sai blades and forgot to bow until he was already almost back to his seat. Donatello looked a little disappointed to be given the bo staff, but Splinter knew that with time he would find that sometimes a 'stick' would outperform even the most advanced piece of weaponry. Michelangelo received the nunchaku, and true to form he had managed to drop one of them on his feet as he put his right fist to his left palm. Splinter couldn't help but let out a sigh as he thought 'Good thing I did not give him a bladed weapon.'

As proud as he was, Splinter hoped that his sons really understood the importance of control and what it meant to be responsible. He had felt something ominous in the air in recent days and he hoped that by repeating this lesson, it would stick in the heads of his young pupils and a potential crisis would be averted.

-Present Time-

"I guess you could say it all started the day we each received our true weapons from Master Splinter. We had been learning the basics of all kinds of weapons while using wooden versions for practice. But there's something really satisfying about having a partner who feels like an extension of yourself," Leo said with a wink as April thought of the day she received her tessan. As she nodded, he felt compelled to continue talking. He didn't mind this part so much, it wasn't until later that things got a little bit...trickier.

"I remember what Sensei said to each of us as we 'graduated' from the practice weapons. 'May you use them responsibly and with honor.' I remember thinking that I understood what he meant. What I was promising when I bowed before him. I thought..." His voice faltered for a moment before regaining its strength, "But I was wrong. So very wrong. And I will never be able to make up for that mistake."

April swallowed nervously, fidgeting with her hands in her lap as she kept her eyes on her blue-clad brother next to her. She had a feeling things were about to get very difficult for Leo, but she held herself back from providing physical comfort to him. April hoped that the sense of her presence would provide Leo with the courage to venture into the past.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the turtles gets injured here but it's nothing graphic.

-Flashback: 4 years 9 months ago-

"My sons, I believe it is now time for you to move to the next stage of your training." Splinter took a moment to pause and take in the amusing expressions around him. He could almost taste the excitement that had settled in the atmosphere as he continued, "Sparring against each other."

Almost immediately, Raphael jumped up, his green eyes shining brightly as he exclaimed, "Finally!"

Splinter shook his head as his sons began fidgeting while he wondered if it was indeed too soon for them to be able to improve their skills by competing amongst themselves. These past three months had mainly involved 1-on-1 sessions where he had served as the opponent while the other three would watch their brother struggle to land a hit on their powerful and highly skilled Sensei. Michelangelo would complain that "Master Splinter was too overpowered" for them, although Splinter had no idea what this word "overpowered" meant.

Splinter had noticed that any time he was working with either of his eldest sons, the other's eyes would burn brightly in competitive desire. Raphael in particular would watch Leonardo with a determined expression and Splinter would find himself pondering just what was going on in his son's mind. Leonardo's blue eyes burned whenever he watched Raphael, but it was more like a controlled blaze rather than the raging inferno that sparked in the bright green of his younger brother.

Even now, Leonardo and Raphael were exchanging intense looks with each other. Michelangelo and Donatello, at least as far as Splinter could tell, were mostly oblivious to the slight tension that settled around the older pair. 'Competition is always a good motivator for improvement,' Splinter thought while he pondered who the first sparring partners should be. With another glance at his two eldest, and a slight nod as he felt certain that nothing could possibly go wrong, he suddenly announced "Leonardo, you will spar against Raphael."

Leonardo and Raphael stood up, moved to the center of the dojo and faced each other, bowing in the way Splinter had instructed them. Splinter observed the change in atmosphere and felt his tail twitch as a short wave of anxiety rushed through him. 'Don't be so ridiculous,' he mentally reprimanded himself, 'you have shown them how to avoid causing serious injury these past few months. They won't hurt each other.' Pushing those doubts out of his mind he declared in an authoritative tone "Hajime!"

Leonardo and Raphael drew their weapons simultaneously as they stared into each other's burning gaze. After drawing his katana, Leonardo uttered the phrase "Onegaishimasu" as tradition dictated before you battled someone on fair ground for the purpose of training yourself. Raphael's eyes widened, his hands anxiously working on the handles of his sai while he quietly muttered "Hai, wakarimashita" as if humbled by the gesture. Splinter watched this with great pride and he hoped the two younger ones would learn something from this match. 'At least, I hope Michelangelo pays attention long enough to learn something,' Splinter thought tiredly.

Splinter watched as the boys charged each other, weapons poised and ready, and the match began without a hitch. He couldn't help but feel pleasure as he noticed his sons were more or less evenly matched. Where Leonardo prevailed in the grace and discipline of his movements, Raphael prevailed in the outright force and ferocity of his strikes. After a few rounds of blocks and parries, Splinter could sense mounting frustration in his red-banded son.

And just a few seconds later, the frustration burst from Raphael like an exploding volcano as he exclaimed "Grah! Why haven't I beaten you yet?!"

Leonardo jumped back, his eyebrow raised as he replied, "Why? It's because I am better than you." He smirked cockily as he ducked a swing from a increasingly frustrated Raphael.

Raphael snorted at that. "Hah! Well if you are so great why haven't you beaten me by now?!" His green eyes burned, and Splinter felt the slightest amount of sadness emanating from his son. Before Splinter could ponder the meaning behind the unexpected emotion, his eldest son launched a roundhouse kick in Raphael's direction.

Grunting with effort, Leonardo declared, "Haven't you realized it by now? I've been holding back!" A smile spread on Leonardo's face, as if he were pleased with himself for still doing so well for "holding back" as he put it so brilliantly.

Splinter watched as Raphael barely got out of the way of his brother's kick, falling onto his hands and knees. Splinter couldn't help but compare the image of Raphael on the ground before Leonardo to that of his sons kneeling before him during a serious lecture. And judging from the shocked expression on Raphael's face, he had noticed the similarity as well.

Leonardo stood before Raphael, his eyes looking expectantly at his brother before him. Splinter considered ending the match right there, but before he could say anything, Raphael snapped his gaze up at his brother and spat defiantly "Well aren't you just the perfect Splinter Junior?! Acting so high and mighty all the time, well guess what! You aren't as flawless as you think!" And with that he tackled his startled brother to the ground where they began to tussle about the dojo.

Splinter's eyes widened as he couldn't help but watch in astonishment what had become of his structured training session. And if he was confused, he could only imagine what was going through Leonardo's mind at this sudden outburst.

Leonardo managed to free himself from Raphael's strong grasp and as he started catching up on his breath, he spoke "What...are you talking about? I never said...I thought I was...flawless." His blue eyes were clouded with confusion and his gaze was fixed on his brother who was a few feet away, also catching his breath in sharp gasps.

Raphael turned a heated glare on his brother as he growled, "You didn't have to. Your whole attitude gives you away." He paused and Splinter thought it looked like his son was struggling to speak. At least it appeared that way until Raphael managed to say, "Why else would you hold back in our fight?! It's supposed to be on equal terms for crying out loud!"

Leonardo flinched at that while his eyes lowered to the ground, as if remembering the beginning of today's training session, and he whispered, "Because I'm afraid that I will..hurt...you..." His voice died at the end and Splinter noticed that he had to strain his ears to catch the last few words.

Raphael's eyes widened at that as he scoffed, "What? The mighty and fearless Leonardo is afraid?! Hah! As if such a thing were possible! I don't need your pity! I'm just as good as you are- no, I'm better!"

Leonardo gazed up at Raphael, his eyes showing a storm of mixed emotions swirling within him. Raphael continued his tirade, either not noticing or not caring about how his words might be affecting his brother. "You are weak, Leo! You just don't want to admit to everyone else how pathetic you truly are! I will never acknowledge you as being better than me! I hate weaklings, Fearless." Raphael tightened his grip on one of his sais, as if daring his brother to challenge him anymore.

"Don't call me that!" Leonardo growled, his hands balled up into tight fists. His body started quivering as if he was about to explode from whatever force was building up inside him.

"What's the matter, Fearless?" Raphael pressed eagerly. "Afraid of being exposed as the helpless little baby who needs Daddy's permission to have some fun? You're just a showoff! Teacher's pet! The Fearless Leo!"

Splinter let out a gasp as he noticed a change come over his eldest son as the latter gripped one of the katana lying on the ground nearby. Before Splinter could stop it, and even before Michelangelo and Donatello really noticed what had happened in Leonardo's mental and emotional state, Leonardo rushed Raphael with his blade poised for attack.

It all happened so fast, that Splinter would doubt whether the whole situation had really occurred.

One second, Raphael wore a smirk on his face as he raised his sai in defense.

Two seconds, Raphael's smirk vanished as he was disarmed by a skillful swing from Leonardo's katana.

Three seconds, Leonardo swings his blade downward, the blow aiming for the mid-line of Raphael's plastron.

Four seconds, Raphael manages to twist himself so that instead of striking the more vulnerable mid-line the sword strikes his left plastron and shell.

Five seconds, Raphael lets out a pained scream and falls to his knees as Leonardo stands before him still holding the katana.

Six seconds, Splinter rushes over and slaps Leonardo in the face as he harshly scolds, "Leonardo! Look at what you have done to your brother!"

Seven seconds, Michelangelo and Donatello run over to Raphael, supporting their injured brother while gazing upon their oldest brother with fear shining brightly in their eyes.

Eight seconds, Leonardo blinks, stares at his shocked family, looks down at his hands holding the katana and he instantly lets go of his blade.

Nine seconds, Leonardo flees the dojo, apologizing profusely as he runs from his family.

Ten seconds, Splinter examines Raphael's bleeding injury while muttering to himself "Where did I go wrong?"


	6. Chapter 6

-Present Time-

Leo clenched his eyes shut as he took in a deep breath. "April," he started quietly, glancing over at her with concerned eyes, "honestly, I'm still terrified of how you will see me when I tell you about what I did. I committed an act most dishonorable. And the worst part about it is that when I think back on it, I can't clearly remember why I did what I did. I just...gave in to weakness. And Raph paid the price."

April looked Leo in the eyes, her blue gaze piercing into his soul as she uttered, "Leo. You are one of the strongest, most honorable people I know. You have risked your life for me several times, and you've never complained once. No matter what happens, I will never abandon you." She paused for a moment before adding, "Your brothers too. They wouldn't abandon you either."

Leo blinked, so overwhelmed with gratitude he couldn't speak for a moment. Finally a slight smile appeared on his face as he recounted, "Well, what I can remember is that it was the first time we sparred against each other, rather than Sensei. Raph and I were paired up, which I was very excited about. After all," he couldn't help but grin like a goofball here, "it's not every day you get to best your rival."

April had to struggle to keep from giggling right there. She had observed several instances of rivalry between Leo and Raph since she started spending time with them. They competed over just about anything they could, whether it was who could perform a certain kata best or who could reach the lair first after a night patrol. They even competed over who could finish a bowl of cereal first once! 'Boys will be boys' she thought to herself in amusement as Leo continued.

"We followed proper sparring protocol where you bow and ask someone to train with you on equal footing. Then we began our match." Leo paused for a brief moment, as if searching his memory for the session in question. With a defeated sigh he thought 'Well, I guess when you have been training for nearly 15 years of your life, the individual sessions start to blur together.'

His expression became thoughtful as he went on, "Unfortunately, I can't remember the specifics of our fight. But I do think I remember Raph becoming angry because..." His eyes widened as the memory cleared a small amount, "...I might have been holding myself back. Now that I think about it, Master Splinter had expressed to me that it was important that I always watch myself when in training so that I never injured my brothers or myself by accident. He had told me that 'a warrior does not give in to his emotions.' And I wanted to live up to that ideal."

"I was an arrogant fool. I thought I was under control, but I was so afraid that I would hurt Raph. Knowing that I wasn't taking him seriously enough to challenge at full strength...I must have let him down. I remember that that was the first time Raph ever called me 'Fearless.' I hate that nickname." He said with a grimace.

As if predicting April's bubbling question, Leo went on "I am the leader. Even back then, I was still the oldest. Whenever my younger brothers needed me, it was my job to make sure they were taken care of. That Mikey wouldn't have another nightmare brought on by his favorite comics. That Donnie had a small nightlight on because he was still afraid of the dark. That Raph didn't have cockroaches running around his bed...for obvious reasons. But I was never allowed to show fear, or any kind of weakness. That wasn't allowed. I was the example for them to follow. Nothing more. Nothing less." Bitterness filled him and he had to stop himself before he got too carried away.

"As odd as it may seem, I can perfectly remember snapping. In my moment of anger I grabbed one of my katana and moved in to attack my brother. I meant to hurt him, and I ended up doing just that. Sensei managed to slapped some sense into me, but it was the look of fear in the eyes of Mikey and Donnie that made me realize just what I had done. Instead of protecting my brothers from their fears and anxieties, I made them afraid!" Leo's eyes filled with tears, but by some miracle of willpower they didn't spill over. "I couldn't handle it. His disappointment, their fear...I had to leave. "


	7. Chapter 7

-Flashback: 4 years 9 months ago, 2 minutes later-

"Sensei! Is Raph going to be ok?" Donatello panicked, clinging to the soft fur of his father as he couldn't help but keep his eyes frozen on his injured brother before him. Michelangelo was completely still, his wide-eyes staring at the door to the dojo where Leonardo had left just a few minutes ago as if he couldn't bring himself to begin to process what had happened.

Splinter took in a deep breath, fighting off his own inner turmoil, as he met Donatello's panicked expression "Yes. Raphael will be fine." He was amazed at how calm his voice was, considering how his mind was racing at high speeds and in several directions all at once. He felt Donatello's grasp loosen as his son started to calm down from his earlier hysteria. When his son completely relaxed, Splinter returned his attention to his second eldest who had lost consciousness from the shock of the ordeal.

At first, Raphael's injuries seemed far more severe than they ended up being after further examination. Along the top of his left shoulder, blood oozed from a shallow cut that ran from his carapace to his plastron, as if connecting both halves of his son's natural protection that came from his turtle heritage. In fact, at least to Splinter, it seemed that the armor had suffered more than the warrior inside had. The damaged plastron bled lightly from a deeper cut and the carapace had a definite mark but there was no bleeding from that knick.

Groaning with the effort of picking up his son, Splinter ordered, "Donatello, your brother will need some bandages and some additional items to keep from getting sick. Fetch the first aid kit from the bathroom and meet me in the living room."

Donatello gave his father a long look before he nodded and hurried off to the bathroom to fetch the first aid kit from under the sink. While he did that, Splinter turned to his youngest son and spoke gently, "Michelangelo, don't worry. Leonardo will come back home, Raphael will recover and before you know it everything will be back to normal." He gave his son a confident smile, again amazed at how calm he sounded.

Michelangelo looked up at his dad, his gaze and voice hopeful as he asked, "Really? Everything will go back to normal?"

Splinter nodded. "Yes. Now come with me. Raphael will be needing your help." He started on his way to the living room, pleased to hear Michelangelo eagerly following behind him. He had to refrain from chuckling as he heard his cheery son start humming the theme song to one of those shows he watched with his brothers on Saturday mornings.

Almost immediately after they reached the couch, Donatello emerged from the bathroom exclaiming "I found it Sensei! I found it!" Splinter gave his son an approving nod, laid the still sleeping Raphael on the couch, and gestured for both of the younger sons to sit adjacent to him on the makeshift coffee table. "My sons, watch carefully. I will show you how to properly bandage a wounded shoulder."

The father part of him twinged with guilt as Splinter felt himself swing over to the sensei part, but he quickly shoved those feelings away as he started cleaning the wound with some hydrogen peroxide he had procured a few months ago. 'May as well show them now instead of waiting for another one of them to become injured in this way' he thought as he moved on to using a topical antibiotic similar to Neosporin. After applying an appropriate amount onto Raphael, Splinter grabbed some bandages and went to work wrapping them around his son's shoulder.

After he finished, Splinter proudly took a moment to glance at Donatello and Michelangelo who had vastly different expressions on their faces. Donatello had a look of intense concentration, as if reimagining the process from the beginning in order to commit the procedure to memory. Michelangelo had spaced out and Splinter wondered just where he had lost his hyperactive student's attention.

He glanced at the clock on the wall and was surprised to find that it had been a total of 10 minutes since Leonardo had fled the dojo and lair. Even though Splinter was still confused, shocked and disappointed in his eldest's lack of control, he couldn't fight the overwhelming sadness that his son had yet to return home from wherever he ran. His mind went back to when he had slapped Leonardo and was suddenly overcome with horror. He had risen a hand against one of his children!

Holding the offending appendage I'm front of his face, Splinter narrowed his eyes as his thoughts took on a dark turn. 'With this hand...my son...I am so...' Shaking his head, he tried to fight off a renewed sense of panic as part of him feared that one of his most precious students had taken that impulsive act as a command to never return home. Unable to keep calm, Splinter stood up abruptly, startling both Donatello and Michelangelo, as he stated matter-of-factly "I am going out to search for your brother. Both of you will stay here and keep an eye on Raphael. I will be back soon." Without waiting to see if his orders would be obeyed, Splinter left the lair, hoping he would be able to find his son before it was too late.

Splinter searched in the darkness for what felt like hours before muffled sniffling reached his sensitive ears. "Leonardo?" He called out into the darkness cautiously. It wasn't that he really thought there would be any other crying children in the sewers, but a lifetime of paranoia wasn't so easy to shake off just because a person's -or in this case a rat's- logic declared that it was a particular way.

A startled gasp reached his ears before a shaky voice responded, "Hai, Sensei."

Splinter let out a relieved sigh as he spotted a small figure curled up by the pipe that led to the center of Times Square. As he approached his son, he felt a heavy aura surrounding the boy. 'Oh Leonardo,' he thought as his mind processed this new information, 'what have you been doing to yourself in here?'

Pain lanced through his heart as he knelt next to his son who immediately tensed up at being so close to his father. Again, Splinter's mind went back to that horrible moment where he had slapped his son. Self-loathing filled him as he could only think of one reason for his son to shy away from him. 'He thinks I'm going to hurt him again.' The thought horrified him, and out of desperation he wrapped his arms around his son, murmuring the apology "Leonardo, my son. I am so sorry. I shouldn't have-"

Splinter would not be able to finish because Leonardo suddenly blurted out, "Sensei. I am so sorry. I should have controlled myself better. I failed you. I failed my brothers. I am not worthy of being your student. I am weak and...I have no honor!" Tears spilled over Leonardo's cheeks as Splinter watched, a storm of emotion swirling within him. His mind raced, finally settling on what he believed would be the best way to calm his son down. A lecture.

After holding his crying son tightly to him, Splinter felt himself switch from 'doting father' back to 'authoritative sensei' as he gathered up his inner strength from the far reaches of his body and mind. "Leonardo, stop your crying."

Leonardo stopped, rubbing his teary eyes as he stuttered, "H-hai, *hic* S-sensei." His blue eyes met Splinter's brown gaze and Splinter found himself at a temporary loss of words.

Splinter always appreciated how his eldest son would follow any order to the best of his ability. It didn't matter whether it was a menial task like cleaning the kitchen or whether it was training for hours nonstop. Approval warming his tone, he continued, "Yes. As the eldest, you should have maintained a higher level of self-control. Never forget that you are to serve as the example for your brothers. And it will not do for them to learn that it is okay for them to injure each other because they see you doing it. Do you understand?"

Splinter paused and waited until he heard Leonardo's quiet and ashamed "Hai, Sensei" before he moved on to his next point, "Now, if you are referring to the vow you made three months ago that you would always use your katana honorably and responsibly...yes you did fail in that regard. Letting your rage control you was definitely not responsible, and attacking your brother out of anger was definitely not honorable. However, the fault is not your own."

"Sensei, what do you mean? I'm the one who lost my composure, and I'm the one who attacked Raph. It was all my fault." Leonardo interrupted in a surprised manner.

Splinter shook his head. "That is where you are wrong. The fault is mine. I believed that you all were ready for this next step in your training, but I was a fool. I should have listened to my misgivings before it reached this point. Forgive me, Leonardo. Not only did I fail as a teacher, but I also raised a hand against you and failed as a father." Bowing his head, Splinter felt a weight on his shoulders as he hoped his son and student would forgive him of his failures.

A heavy silence filled the air and for a moment Splinter nearly lost his composure as he feared the worst. 'Leonardo isn't going to forgive me...' He thought solemnly.

"Sensei, I swear to you. Even though I no longer have honor, I will never fail you again. I will devote myself to perfecting my self-control so that you will never have to feel the burden of a failure that was never yours."

Splinter looked up in surprise and observed how his son's demeanor and attitude had changed. Gone was the sad and scared little boy who clung to himself as if he would shatter into a million pieces. In his place a determined young man sat, a cool confidence filling the intense eyes with a blue flame. A pang of sadness rushed through Splinter as he surmised what his son had done. Grief-stricken, he uttered "Hontou ni?"

With the slightest bow of his head, Leonardo answered "Zettai ni."

Overcome with emotion, Splinter barely managed to hold back a choking sob. 'Leonardo...you are losing so much and you have no idea...' Even though he didn't like what had happened, denying it would only make matters worse. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Splinter felt he had to say at least one last thing before they went back to the lair. "Leonardo, self-control comes from within. Honor comes from the outside, in the relationships you share with others. As long as they are relationships built on a foundation of love and trust, you will never lose your honor. Never forget this."

A calm "Hai, Sensei" was all the response Splinter got.

Holding back a shudder, Splinter stood and turned in the direction of home. "Come, let's return home." He ordered as he started walking forward.

"Hai, Sensei."

Splinter couldn't bring himself to look back as he heard the sounds of Leonardo's footsteps behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who don't know Japanese here is what was said (then again I'm not fluent either so if I'm wrong feel free to correct me):
> 
> Hountou ni? = Really?
> 
> Zettai ni = Definitely


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second half of this chapter is more of a look at the previous chapter through Leo's eyes. Just letting you know.

-Present time-

Silence began to fill the room as Leo fought through his hazy memories of that day. As much as he never liked talking about that day to anyone, it was like some part of him knew that if he could only lay the whole day before him like road map that he would find his way to healing. But another part of him didn't want to let go of the pain, determined to make him suffer just as much as he made his loved ones suffer. A war had been raging within him all these years, one side seeking clarity and healing while the other side clung to misery and the fear of knowing.

Feeling exhausted, Leo groaned, "April, I still can't remember all the details of the match. But I do remember running into the sewers, completely ashamed of myself. I remember struggling to find a way to atone for my crime." He held back the exact details of what he eventually realized he _could_ do. There was no reason for him to put April through unnecessary stress at knowing what he had nearly considered doing. He gulped loudly as he thought 'And I would've done it too if Sensei hadn't found me.'

He saw April's gaze narrow suspiciously and he feared that she would be able to use her highly developed intuition to "guess" what he was thinking if he didn't keep talking, he quickly added "Anyway, after a while I heard Sensei call out to me. I hadn't even noticed how close his presence was. That was yet another failure. If it had been anyone else I could have been captured and dragged off to who knows where? Or if I had managed to flee back to the lair then my whole family could have been at risk! I had let my guard down and I was lucky Sensei was the one who found me."

"He grabbed me and pulled me in for a hug. I was expecting him to be disappointed or mad. But he was neither of those things. He started to say some stuff but I don't remember what it was exactly. I apologized for failing to uphold my vow, for failing my brothers and confessed that I was no longer worthy. After all, I had lost my honor."

Leo took a brief moment to glare at his closed door as he realized his brothers were eavesdropping. 'Why I ought to tell them to mind their own business! ...But I won't. I haven't ever told them about my conversation with Sensei after all, and they may as well hear it from me.' Ignoring the eavesdroppers, he continued in a softer tone "Sensei took that moment to give me a lecture."

April's eyes widened as she both heard this new information and observed how Leo was ignoring his brothers who had most likely pressed themselves against the door. "Really?" She asked, raising a brow suspiciously. "That's all he did? Lecture you?"

Leo gave a nod, pleased that April was ignoring his all too curious and nosy brothers. "Yes. He reminded me about my duties to my brothers as the eldest. How it is my job to set a good example for them to follow. He then told me that I had indeed been irresponsible and behaved dishonorably. And then he tried to take the blame for MY actions and misconduct onto HIS shoulders!" His voice tightened as he battled the familiar frustration rising up within him.

"I couldn't believe it, nor could I allow it. I was going to prove to him that I could handle the consequences of my actions. To prove I was no longer the weak and impulsive child he thought I was. I struggled to think of a way to restore my honor, and I finally found one. I made him a new vow. I swore never to fail him again, to perfect my self-control so that he would never have to assume the blame for my actions again. After that, we returned to the lair."

Leo purposefully left out just what exactly his method was when he told April, but he allowed himself to remember what had taken place the instant he realized what his father was attempting to do.

-Flashback: Leo-

"Sensei, what do you mean it wasn't all my fault? I'm the one who lost my composure, and I'm the one who attacked Raph. It was all my fault." Leo interrupted, surprise causing his voice to raise.

Master Splinter shook his head. "That is where you are wrong. The fault is mine."

Although Leo noticed that his sensei was still talking, he was no longer paying any attention to the words being said. 'I can't believe this...Father, I am not going to let you bear my burden upon your shoulders!' Frantically trying to think of a way to become stronger, he suddenly came upon a drastic idea. 'Well, let's find out if it could possibly work. Here goes nothing!' He settled his mind, letting his thoughts focus inward as he sought to reach the meditative state.

Once he entered the realm of his Mind, he began his search for the source of his emotions. He finally found it where the Mind and Spirit joined and chuckled as he took in its shape. 'A heart being supported by ropes...go figure.' Channeling his willpower, he managed to materialize a single katana, narrowing his eyes at the suspended heart before him.

Drawing in a deep breath, he sliced through the ropes, allowing the emotions to fall to the ground before him. A strange feeling passed through him, as if he had lost something deep within himself. The blade dissipated into nonexistence as he knelt down to pick up his emotions. He felt strangely detached, as if he were just a random third-party observer. 'Except you're not.' He reminded himself.

Again, he focused his willpower and this time he managed to form a little black box that was just large enough for the object in Leo's hands. As he bent down to place his emotions in the box, he thought to himself 'I will lock you away so that you never hurt anyone again.' With that he closed the box and imagined a solid chain wrapping itself around the container, a sturdy padlock keeping it sealed. He pushed the box, suddenly feeling very heavy, against the wall of his Mind. He hoped that by doing this he would be able to slowly open his very own Pandora's Box as he learned to perfect his self-control.

Unsure of how much time had passed, for time flowed much faster in the Mind then it did outside, he allowed himself to return to reality. Upon his return, Leo noticed that his father was bowing his head towards him, as if awaiting forgiveness for some crime. 'Oh Father. You only did what you needed to do. I was out of my mind, uncontrollable...a monster.' Leo thought, guessing what his father was apologizing for.

In a steady voice, Leo stated, "Sensei, I swear to you. Even though I no longer have honor, I will never fail you again. I will devote myself to perfecting my self-control so that you will never have to feel the burden of a failure that was never yours."

Leo was surprised at how calm he sounded, considering how much of a mess he had been after he had viciously and brutally attacked Raph. It didn't matter to him that he had snapped under the pressure of his brother's taunts. He had found himself guilty, and that was all that mattered to him. He was determined to make it up to his family if it was the last thing he ever did.

Sensei's voice rang out, sounding sadder than anything Leo had ever heard, "Hontou ni?"

With a confident nod, Leo replied in Japanese, "Zettai ni."

"Leonardo, self-control comes from within. Honor comes from the outside, in the relationships you share with others. As long as they are relationships built on a foundation of love and trust, you will never lose your honor. Never forget this." Sensei's desperate voice pulled at Leo's attention.

"Hai, Sensei." Was all he could think of to say.

Leo watched as Master Splinter stood and made an about-face to head back to the lair, "Come, let's return home."

As Leo stood up to follow he stoically uttered "Hai, Sensei."


	9. Chapter 9

-Present time-

"Stop crowding me, Mikey!" Raph hissed, determined to keep Leo and April from knowing that their private conversation wasn't so 'private' anymore. If he had been alone, he knew that he would have had no trouble remaining invisible. But, like always, wherever he went, his pain-in-the neck goofball of a brother was not far behind.

"But this is so boring! If I had known you were just going to hug a door, I would've just hung out with Donnie!" Mikey crossed his arms in front of his chest, annoyance and boredom coming off him in waves.

Rolling his eyes impatiently, Raph groaned, "Well then why don't you go hang out with him?"

A wide grin spread across his baby brother's face as the latter replied "Because if I did that then who would pester you? Nobody!" Mikey pointed his thumb to his chest as he continued, "And I think that'd be the saddest thing in the whole world." He paused for a moment, looking thoughtful, before adding "Besides having the Footbots steal your last piece of pizza."

As Raph pressed his hand to his forehead, Donnie's voice interjected "Well that, and the fact I told you to leave me alone so I could work on a retromutagen to cure Mr. O'Neil IN PEACE!" Donnie narrowed his eyes at his hyperactive brother.

Unflustered, Mikey shrugged. "What's so fun about sitting in complete silence watching you do 'sciencey' stuff? I mean, c'mon dude. That's so not my definition of cool, bro."

Sensing an imminent lecture on the "wonders of technology," Raph placed his hand over Donnie's open mouth, straining to hear what Leo was saying to April about Master Splinter giving him a lecture all those years ago. 'Huh. Well that's new.' He thought bitterly. 'After all this time, he still doesn't trust me.'

Regret rushed through him as he heard his older brother refer to himself as a weak child. His eyes darkened as Raph's mind thought back to when Leo returned with Master Splinter.

-Flashback: Raph-

A sharp pain ran its way through Raph's shoulder as he started to return to consciousness. He drew in a pained gasp, catching the attention of his younger brothers who were nearby.

"Raph! You're awake!" "How're you feeling?" "You don't look very good, bro." "Give him some space!"

Shaking his head, Raph tried not to focus on the fact that their well-meant questions were giving him a throbbing headache. "I feel like someone tried to cut my shell in half." He forced out, wincing as he felt his shoulder object to the notion of speech.

A nervous silence hung over the living room. Highly concerned, Raph jolted himself upright, ignoring the way his shoulder burned in agony. "What's wrong?" He asked, his gaze switching from orange to purple nervously. 'Why are my most talkative brothers so silent? More importantly, what's up with their pity?!' His mind raced as he awaited any sign of speech.

After a few seconds, Donnie started looking at his hands nervously. "W-well...you see..." Raph noticed Donnie shoot Mikey a panicked expression before he heard the latter exclaim "Leo attacked you during training! And you got really hurt. Then Master Splinter wrapped you up before going to bring Leo back. And now you're awake!"

Raph stared at Mikey, scrutinizing his grinning expression with more than a healthy level of skepticism. 'Yeah right' he thought. 'Leo wouldn't do that. He's too much of a control freak to ever-'. Suddenly, his memories of the match rushed back to him.

He remembered the pleasure he felt when he learned that he would have a chance to finally one-up his perfect brother. The joy when he realized he would be able to beat his brother at full strength. The hurt and betrayal that stung as he discovered Leo was going easy on him. He remembered the humiliation when he was kneeling defeated before his rival. How his stubborn pride caused him to lash out the only way he knew how. In anger. He had wanted to get even with Leo, to make him feel the same pain he felt. And then...

Raph felt his right hand move over to his left shoulder, taking in the feel of bandages where skin once was. A smirk spread across his face as he realized 'I guess I was successful.' His smirk faded almost immediately afterwards. He deserved this. After all, Leo wouldn't have done this if Raph hadn't pushed him over the edge.

The sounds of distant footsteps immediately drew his attention to the lair entrance. As Raph turned, he could feel the concerned eyes of his brothers burning holes into the back of his head. 'Geez, you'd think I came back from the dead!' He thought in irritation. He held his tongue however. He knew that if the situation were reversed he would be doing the exact same thing.

Eventually the sounds of voices reached Raph's ears. 'Good. Leo came back.' He thought happily as he began to smile. The smile faded immediately when he heard the exchange between Master Splinter and Leo.

"Leonardo, that was reckless of you. You shouldn't have taken matters into your own hands the way you did." Raph couldn't help but flinch at the subtle anger that pervaded his sensei's voice.

"But Sensei," Raph heard Leo protest, "I had no choice. Today I learned that I can't trust myself around him. I had to seal them away. Otherwise who knows what could happen next time."

Raph's eyes widened and his mind went blank. 'What did Leo do?! Seal what away?!' His mind raced to form coherent thought. Still feeling confused, he exchanged a surprised look with Donnie and Mikey who were still standing nearby. Judging by the looks on their faces, they didn't have a clue either.

Raph heard Splinter draw in a deep breath before stating, "You should have asked me to help you. I'm your sensei. That's what I'm here for."

"I understand. But I couldn't." Leo replied.

Raph noticed that for a long moment neither of them said anything. He wasn't even sure his family was even breathing any more. Fighting the urge to pull himself up to peek over the back of the couch, he pointedly stared at the tv sitting across from him.

After what seemed like a lifetime, Raph heard Master Splinter speak. "We will continue this another time. For now, I suggest you apologize to Raphael, Leonardo. And then I want you to join me in the dojo for further discussion." With that, Raph heard Master Splinter turn back to the dojo and slide the door closed behind him.

Almost immediately, Mikey ran over to Leo, excitedly telling him "Welcome back Leo! We missed you. You'll be glad to know Raph woke up a little while ago."

"That's great news, Mikey." Raph wasn't sure, but something sounded off when Leo spoke. It was as if there were no inflection to his voice. No personality, just words. Cold, hard words that conveyed no hint as to what the speaker was thinking. When Leo reached the other side of the couch to stand before him, Raph stared at him suspiciously.

Suddenly, Leo bowed and began apologizing. "Raph, I'm so sorry. Your injuries are all my fault. I should've controlled myself better. I don't know how, but I'll make it up to you." Then Leo lifted his gaze to meet Raph's eyes.

Startled, Raph continued to stare at his brother stupidly. Leo's voice still didn't reveal any emotion, but Raph noticed that his brother's eyes were filled with desperation and guilt. "Don't worry about it." He muttered quietly, puzzled over the contradictions between Leo's speech and eyes.

As Leo turned around to leave, Raph called out, "Wait! What were you saying earlier?"

Leo stopped and seemed to regard Raph before coolly asking, "What do you mean?"

Raph swallowed, beginning to feel uncomfortable under his brother's hawk-like stare. He saw Mikey and Donnie cling to each other for some support, their eyes revealing their anxiety that another fight was about to break out. Raph steeled his nerve as he demanded, "Just tell me what you meant when you said 'I can't trust myself around him'."

Leo let out a sigh, as if he were bored by this conversation. "I meant exactly what it sounds like. I can't trust myself around you. And seeing as I'm the one who did that," Leo pointed to the bandages wrapping Raph's shoulder, "you shouldn't trust me either."

Once again, Raph noticed how although Leo's voice and body language conveyed nothing, all Raph had to do was look into Leo's eyes to see just how much the guilt was eating away at him. His own sense of guilt swam through him as he thought, 'I have to let him know that it isn't his fault. I have to apologize...and tell him I forgive him.' "Leo," he started as he began shaking his head, "the whole thing was my fault. I pushed you over the edge. I-"

"ENOUGH!" Leo yelled, his eyes becoming a near black.

Raph stopped, surprised he managed to get something other than a robotic impression from Leo. He glanced over to the two younger brothers and saw Mikey bury his face into Donnie's plastron. A protective urge ignited his temper as he growled, "Geez Leo! All I was trying to do was apologize and tell you I forgive you already! No reason for you to bite my head off! And just look at what you've done to our brothers! They're scared out of their wits!"

Leo's eyes returned to normalcy as he glanced over where their younger brothers were now on the floor, clinging to each other as if life itself depended on it. Leo visibly wilted, closed his eyes and breathed in and out slowly. After a few breaths, Leo turned to head to the dojo.

Raph watched him go, his anger settling down to more manageable levels. He saw Leo pause just before the entry and he had to strain his ears to hear the quiet words before Leo finally entered the dojo.

Clearly still visibly shaken, Mikey and Donnie approached Raph, casting nervous glances in the direction that Leo had left in.

When they reached Raph, he glanced up at them and asked, "Did you hear what he just said?"

Raph watched them both shake their heads before he continued, "He said 'I am not worthy of your forgiveness.'"

"What does that mean?" Mikey asked, confusion and worry pervading his voice to a rather large degree.

Raph narrowed his eyes as he answered, "I'll tell you what it means. It means he doesn't trust _us_ enough to know that we will always love him. He refused to listen to my apology and refused to accept my forgiveness because he would rather wallow in his pit of misery." Feeling the beginnings of a hurt anger burn within him, Raph thought 'Curse you, Fearless…why do you have to be such a darn martyr?! Why won't you trust me to help you?!'

Raph was so absorbed in his bitter thoughts that he didn't notice his younger brothers start heading toward the dojo door.


	10. Chapter 10

-Flashback: Splinter-

"ENOUGH!"

Splinter had been deep in meditation until Leonardo's loud yell brought him back. A frown formed on his face as he let himself ponder the meaning of the outburst. 'I knew this would happen. That's why I warned him-'. The sliding door interrupted his thought process as he looked up into the face of his eldest son.

"Sensei? I think I need your advice."

Splinter regarded his son, observing the emotional maelstrom that burned through his eyes, and nodded, "Yes. I think so too."

Leonardo approached the center of the dojo and knelt down, staring at the ground before him. He opened his mouth as if to speak, however no words came.

"What is it you would like to ask me, my son?" Splinter inquired, trying to help Leonardo regain the power of speech.

Leonardo began to tremble as he finally spoke, "Sensei...that thing you warned me about when we were walking back home...I think it's...happened."

Splinter took a moment to think back on the conversation they had begun after a few minutes of tense silence had fallen over them on their way home like an oppressive cloud. "I see..." He stated after a few seconds passed between them. "If I remember correctly, you were quite certain that this type of thing would not occur, right Leonardo?"

Leonardo flinched, squirming a bit as the accusation weighed him down. "Yes, Sensei. I was. But now I know you were right." He turned a desperate gaze on his sensei, pleading with his eyes as he began to beg in that flat tone, "Please help me, Father. The pain. I can't take it."

Splinter drew in a deep breath, trying to calm his aching heart that desired nothing more than to take his son far away from the internal agony he was sure Leonardo was enduring. "Very well then. I will walk you through the steps to help ease the pain. However, your actions have long term consequences, and as such you may never manage to fully repair your Spirit and Mind."

Leonardo nodded solemnly. "Hai, Sensei."

"First, you must enter the meditative state. I will meet you there where I will show you the next step."

"Hai, Sensei."

Splinter watched Leonardo get himself into the best position for improving the flow of his chakras that would make meditation much easier. He waited until he was certain that Leonardo was in too deep before he called out, "Michelangelo. Why are you and Donatello here instead of keeping an eye on Raphael?" He turned an accusing glare in the direction of the door as his two youngest entered the dojo sheepishly.

Michelangelo exchanged a look with Donatello, both of them equally unwilling to answer Splinter's question. After a few moments, Splinter prodded, "Michelangelo?"

"We were worried about Leo, Sensei. He isn't acting right. Even Raph could tell something was weird." Michelangelo reluctantly confessed.

"Is there anything we can do to help, Sensei?" Donatello asked. "Leo said he was in pain. Does he need medicine? Or bandages? I can get them from the living room."

Splinter regarded his sons, feeling a sense of pride at how they all cared for each other. "You aren't afraid of what he could possibly do to you? Of what he did to Raphael?" He asked, playing the Devil's Advocate in order to test them.

Both Donatello and Michelangelo shook their heads emphatically. Donatello even went so far as to declare, "Leo is our brother. No matter what happens, we will always believe in him."

"Exactly! And although Raph would never admit it, he does too." Michelangelo added enthusiastically.

Splinter smiled, "I'm glad you both feel that way." His gaze moved back to Leonardo who was meditating in front of him. Wearing a serious expression on his face, he continued, "Leonardo has taken very drastic measures to prevent an incident similar to what happened this afternoon and is now paying the consequences. His emotions have been sealed away and now his Mind and Spirit are unbalanced. My sons, you can not help him with this. I have a possible solution in mind, but it is possible that he will never fully recover. Especially if he experiences such extreme emotions like joy, anger, anguish or grief again for that may result in his Mind and Spirit shattering completely. And if that happens, the brother you know would cease to exist."

"Do you think Leo will?" Donatello hesitantly inquired, as if he had already thought of the worst case scenario should Leonardo's inner world collapse.

Taking in a deep breath, Splinter muttered, "A long time ago, an old friend of mine did this same thing. He had been jealous of me, but still wished to maintain our good friendship. So he sealed his emotions away, and it seemed to work for a few days. But eventually his jealousy morphed into hatred, and his inner world collapsed. When he confronted me, I realized that the friend I once knew was gone. He sought revenge, and left me to die." He turned a gaze over to his sons as he continued, "It is because of this that I began to think of ways to prevent a collapse in case I ever came upon something similar. My sons, I will do everything I can to stabilize Leonardo's inner world, but I do not know if he will ever be the same. We will just have to believe in his willpower."

Michelangelo and Donatello exchanged worried glances with each other. Sensing their unease, Splinter ordered, "Now go back to Raphael. I will take care of Leonardo." They hesitated for a brief moment, but eventually obeyed the order.

Splinter took in a deep breath as he easily went into the meditative state. It didn't take him long to reach the same level where Leonardo was. However, when he arrived, Splinter found Leonardo in the fetal position, covering his head with his hands as if he were suffering a severe migraine. Concerned, Splinter immediately ran over to his son and asked, "Leonardo, are you alright?" Over time he would find that to be a bad question, but at the moment it was the only thing to ask.

Leonardo shook his head as he whimpered, "No. Not really. It feels like hundreds of hot needles are being driven into my head. How do I make it stop?"

Splinter glanced around the room, searching desperately for the object that had sealed Leonardo's emotions. "Leonardo, what did you say you had sealed them in again?"

"A black box wrapped in chains." Leonardo managed to force out. "Is it important?"

"Yes" was Splinter's reply as he spotted a black box a few feet away from where they sat. He walked over to where the chained container lay and took in its condition. With a disgruntled sigh, he ordered "Leonardo. Come here. You need to see this and understand what I am about to tell you."

Splinter heard his student hiss in pain as Leonardo shakily made his way over to where he stood. When he heard Leonardo's surprised, "What is that?" Splinter knelt down beside the box, gesturing for his son to follow. Leonardo, true to form, obeyed.

"That, my son, is the result of you sealing your emotions away before settling them. It does not matter who was the target of those feelings, all that matters is that the pressure they have been under since you sealed them is about to result in you losing yourself to them when the box finally breaks open."

Leonardo's gaze shifted downward in shame as he whispered, "I didn't mean for this to happen. I wanted to lock them away so that I could gain control over them without hurting anyone. But now…" Leonardo seemed to regard the box that had begun to bulge to nearly twice its original size. The box's changing shape was not the only alarming detail. The increase of internal pressure had also resulted in the production of heat. Leonardo chuckled in an unamused fashion "Heh, it's like a space heater."

Splinter regarded his son wordlessly. 'Well, at least his will hasn't broken yet.' Resting his hand on his foolishly courageous student he asked, "Are you ready for the next step?"

"Hai, Sensei."

"Then open the box."


	11. Chapter 11

-Flashback: Leo-

"Then open the box."

Leo stared at his sensei, confusion causing him to drop his jaw to the floor. "I'm sorry?"

Master Splinter repeated himself, "Leonardo, you must open the box." There was a twinkle of amusement in his eye, as if Leo's reaction to the earlier statement was comedic somehow.

Leo failed to see the humor, and he couldn't help asking, "May I ask…why?" His mind struggled to kick start itself back into working condition. 'Didn't he just say that if the box opened I'd lose myself? Why would he—'

"Leonardo, I understand your confusion. I have a theory that if you open the box yourself then the crisis will be averted."

As that reply sunk into him Leo found that he felt hurt, scared and betrayed. "So…this theory…will it work?" He asked timidly, fearing the answer that he guessed would greet his ears.

There was a pause before his fears were confirmed. "I do not know for certain."

"Sensei! You would have me do this without any guarantee of success?!" Leo objected, feeling his heart begin to race in panic, "What if your theory is wrong? What if my inner world collapses like your friend's did? What if I try to attack you? What if I hurt…" He couldn't bring himself to finish that statement. No, it would be like giving in to his fears, his insecurities. And Leo did make a vow to never fail Master Splinter…his father ever again.

"There is that possibility, my son." Leo heard Sensei's calm voice reach out to him. "But in the case of my friend, he was too far gone by the time I realized it. His had already started to crumble. That is why I believe this will work. You are strong, stronger than you realize." Leo felt the warm glow of pride at the compliment, a small grin spreading across his face. "I believe that if you open the box, and are able to conquer your feelings, that your inner world will become more stable than even my own."

Leo took in a deep breath, steeling his nerves as he confirmed, "All I have to do is open the box, right Sensei?"

"Theoretically…yes, my son."

The slightest shudder passed through him as he reached out to the box, hesitating for the briefest moments as Leo asked, "Sensei? Whatever happens to me…Please tell everyone that I…" His voice died, and he cast a desperate glance upon his father.

His father bowed his head slightly as he stated "Of course. Just know that it's twofold, Leonardo." When his father raised his head, their eyes met. Leo noticed the depth of the love his father had for him, and he had to struggle to look away and concentrate on the task at hand. 'Not now' he reprimanded himself. 'You have a task to complete.' Narrowing his eyes, he channeled his willpower into the twin forms of his beloved katana and with a swift jab into the lock the box burst open.

The first thing that Leo noticed was that his headache intensified, causing him to close his eyes tight to prevent them from watering. And then it completely vanished, leaving him feeling empty. A startled gasp erupting from his sensei caused Leo to open his eyes, and stare in shock at what stood before him.

"Is that…me?" He stuttered, staring fixedly on the figure before him. It…looked like him. A lot like him. In fact, Leo thought that he was staring at his own reflection in a mirror, except that the figure was staring at the floor before him. The figure even held a pair of katana, just like he did! And then the figure lifted its head and Leo noticed the first clear difference between them. The figure's eyes were completely solid black!

The figure spoke, its voice layered thick with malevolence, "Well, if it isn't the supreme ruler of this world? How lovely it is to meet you. Call me Kage." Kage smirked, his expression just as mocking as his words.

Leo suppressed a shudder. Everything about Kage felt wrong. "Who are you? What are you doing here?" He growled, trying desperately to hide his unease from both his father and this Kage.

"I told you. I'm Kage. Think of me as the embodiment of your true feelings. And I'm here because you so foolishly tried to seal me away. I don't take kindly to such insolence and rudeness. Especially not from one so weak and frightened as you, you little brat!" Kage spat as he glared intensely at Leo. "And don't even try to hide your fear from me. I know everything about you. I am the real you."

Startled, Leo glanced over at his father who was observing Kage with narrowed eyes. If Leo ever wanted his father's advice, it would be at this very moment. 'What am I supposed to do?' He thought frantically, watching his father for any signal that would indicate the correct path to take.

After about a minute of silence, Kage's laughter rang out, bringing Leo's attention back to him. "Hahahaha! And this is why you are a little brat! You are so reliant on your Daddy it's pathetic! I'm embarrassed to be a part of you! Always seeking his approval, terrified of disappointing him, worshipping the ground he walks on. Well guess what? Your precious Sensei isn't as perfect as you think he is! And deep down, you know he loves your brothers more than he loves you. You're the oldest, the perfect bodyguard for his truly precious children! Your loyalty is nothing but a –"

"Shut up!" Leo yelled, interrupting Kage's mocking words, his decision made on what he needed to do. It was not so much due to the way Kage's words stung him, he had expected as much from the malignant figure. Instead it was the way Kage was attempting to dishonor his father who looked like he had been stabbed in the heart that cured Leo of his indecision. Tightening his grip on the handles of his katana, Leo stood, facing Kage with a heated glare. Leo's fury was screaming at him 'Let me at him! I'll destroy him!' but Leo kept it leashed tight as he growled ominously, "I will not allow you to say another word against my Sensei! You are not worthy of being in his presence! If you don't leave on your own" he crouched into a battle-ready position, "then I'll make you leave."

"Leonardo," he heard Sensei protest, "you aren't prepared for battle! You've only been training for three months with your katana! That isn't enough time! I order you to stand down!"

Kage smirked at Leo and mocked, "Well, I guess you'll just have to do what Daddy says. You wouldn't want to disappoint your idol, would you?"

Leo cast an apologetic look at Sensei. "Gomen ne, Sensei. I can't obey that order. Please understand."

Master Splinter shook his head slowly before stating, "Then I will stay here and watch."

"Sensei, go back to my brothers. I'm sure they have questions. I will beat Kage, I promise."

There was a long silence before Leo heard his father ask "Hountou ni?"

A huge smile on his face, Leo gave his dad a thumb's up as he replied, "Zettai ni. I'll be home soon."

Leo watched his father's face change from defeat to a confident determination as he said, "Very well. But you will have to clean the kitchen as punishment for disobeying my orders, my son." With that, his father left.

Leo let himself revel in the knowledge that his Sensei believed in him. He knew he thrived on his father's praise, and criticism always hit him hard. He had grown to accept that part of himself. When he heard Kage clear his throat in a very self-important manner, Leo turned a glare in the figure's direction.

Kage let out an impressed whistle. "Well well. I never thought I'd see the day when you disobeyed your 'god'. I must say I'm impressed that you had the ability to feel happy for a brief moment. You know he is secretly glad to be rid of you, don't you? Not that he'd ever say that out loud, of course. Oh no, it wouldn't do for the loyal guard dog to suddenly resent the master." Kage stopped to observe how Leo was taking his taunts.

"Are you done?" Leo growled, his eyes blazing with the desire to clash swords with the monster in front of him. "You may as well get it all out now. Because soon, you won't have much to say."

Kage scoffed, "Hah! As if you had any real control of the situation! I'm sorry, Your Highness, but there is no way you can defeat me."

"And why is that?"

"Why, I told you already. I know everything about you. All the skills you have trained to master, I know them as well. Not only that," Kage gave Leo a condescending smile, "I know how to hurt you."

That gave Leo pause, but only for the tiniest second. 'I swore that I would beat Kage! I promised!' "Heh. You never know until you try!" Tightening his grip on his katana, he leapt forward, preparing to swing downward at Kage's unprotected arm.

And suddenly, it wasn't Kage standing before him. It was Raph!

Leo stopped himself, stumbling backward as his confused mind struggled to make sense of the change. "But…weren't you…huh?"

Kage's voice came from Raph's body, "See how foolish you are? How many times must I repeat myself before you finally understand? I know EVERYTHING about you. I know your deepest fears, your biggest regrets, and your inner desires. I know what makes you tick, and I am able to use that to unhinge and destroy you. Remember your sensei's friend? He tried to do the same thing you are doing right now. And he failed! Let's not forget your 'perfect sensei' either. He had nearly fallen into the same trap when he lost his wife and daughter! But then he found all of you turtles, sparing him the same fate. And now you, my dear Leonardo, are caught up in my web."

"How-?"

"How do I know about Splinter's near fall from grace? It is because I, Kage, reside in every single living person or animal as an existential being of this realm. I have no real face because it changes depending on where I'm summoned to be. While I am in your inner world, for example, I appear as you. And then I can shift my appearance to defeat those who foolishly attempt to control me."

Leo blinked, "Ok. So how would I control you?"

Kage snorted, "How amusing. Very well. You must pass a test."

"A test?" Leo asked warily.

"Yes. But first you should know that if you slay me, than you will be incapable of showing any emotion for the rest of your life. You'd become like a machine."

Leo nodded, "Very well. Tell me more."

Kage grinned, "You need to defeat me. Simple as that."

Leo raised a brow incredulously, "Really?"

"Yep. That's it. You should know that no one has ever passed before. Of course, you could always just skip and live the rest of your life the way it is now."

"What'd happen if I did that?"

"Well, I would always be here. Any time you became too emotionally stressed, I would completely take over. And there's no clue what would happen then." Kage paused as he witnessed the expression on Leo's face turn to concern. He smirked as he continued, "As for your brothers, since they didn't try to seal me away like you did, you don't need to worry about me controlling them. No, only you have to live with this."

"And if I am unable to pass the test?"

"Well that's simple really. I will destroy the foundations of your inner world, and you will be crushed. Your will would cease to exist, and you would be forced to watch yourself commit horrid acts until you are put out of your misery. You still sure you want to try?"

Leo stared at his hands holding the katana blades, feeling disgust and fear as he found that he absolutely hated his hands. They were responsible for hurting Raph, for traumatizing Mikey and Donnie, for bringing Kage into his life and thus allowing for Sensei's honor to be dragged through the mud. The thought of ever possibly losing control of himself around his family was more than he could handle. "If I don't defeat you, either by ignoring you or losing to you, then my family will be at risk. It's not about trying anymore, but a matter of doing. And I made a promise to my father that I would defeat you, and I swore never to fail my father by endangering my family. This is my burden to bear, no one else's." Determination rushed through him as he declared, "Prepare to lose, Kage! There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my family!"


	12. Chapter 12

-Flashback: Leo-

"Prepare to lose, Kage! There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my family!"

Leo watched Kage with narrow eyes, wary of the way Kage expertly spun Raph's sais like those cowboys in old westerns spun their guns. 'So he not only knows everything I can do, but he is able to mimic the fighting styles of my brothers?'

As if able to sense the question, Kage met Leo's watchful gaze and chuckled, "I'll admit that you've got guts, kid. Most people would've tucked their tails and ran a long time ago. But you underestimate me. I'm not just a copy. I'm as good as the original. Better, if you count my ability to be inside your head at all times. It's not too late to back out, you know."

Leo felt a blaze of indignation burn through him as he growled, "Stop insulting me. I'd never run from an imitation like you!" Tightening his grip on his katana, he searched Kage for any opening. He felt his heart begin to race as adrenaline began to course its way through his body. 'Think of this as training, Leo' he mentally prepped himself. 'Just regular old training. All you have to do is emerge victorious over Kage…who happens to look just like Raph…' He shook his head, trying to fight off the panic that threatened to take hold of him. 'He isn't Raph! He isn't Raph! He isn't Raph!' He desperately tried to get his heart to acknowledge what his mind already knew, but he couldn't deny that as far as he could see Kage was Raph. And unfortunately, it seemed like his senses were not connected directly to the brain.

Kage smirked, "Are you struggling to find it within yourself to fight your brother? Afraid you are going to hurt him again? Have you realized that you could have ended up killing him earlier today? What would have happened if our dear Raphael's reflexes were just a bit slower? What would your father have thought? What about your other brothers? They would never have forgiven you!"

Desperate, Leo yelled, "You're wrong! I could never kill Raph! He's my brother! I – "

"You were aiming for the midline of his plastron, were you not? Isn't that more vulnerable than the edges? As it is, you managed to cut deep into both his left plastron and carapace. He was bleeding quite heavily, you know. He may never trust you again. And rightfully so, after all only a monster would attack a family member the way you did."

For what seemed like the hundredth time today, Leo felt as if he were about to drown in the ocean of guilt that he had been treading in ever since that afternoon. Lowering his gaze to the floor, he felt himself succumb to all of his regret at once. His heart clenched in his chest as Leo collapsed onto his hands and knees, trembling as he began experiencing breathing difficulties. Leo's eyes darkened as he felt the earlier headache start to creep back into existence.

Kage gripped the handles of the sais tightly as he started to approach the quivering mess that was Leonardo. When he reached the kneeling child, Kage spat, "Just look at yourself. You're all alone. Raphael will never forgive you. Michelangelo and Donatello will always be terrified of you. Your sensei will never acknowledge you. Face it. You've lost your precious 'honor' and there is nothing you can do to get it back. All that's left for you is to accept your defeat and spare yourself the embarrassment of continuing this charade."

That gave Leo pause. 'I've lost my honor? I'll never get it back?' As he braced himself for the end, he heard Sensei's voice ring out clearly in his head. " _Honor comes from the outside, in the relationships you share with others. As long as they are relationships built on a foundation of love and trust, you will never lose your honor._ " Startled, he then recalled the last conversation he had with his father. He had desperately wanted to tell his father that he loved him and his brothers. He wanted to apologize for everything he had done wrong that day. But when it came down to it, his voice died before the words could be said. Then his father had said " _Of course. Just know that it's twofold._ "

Master Splinter had instantly and perfectly understood everything that Leo couldn't say. And more importantly, Sensei had ensured that he had regained one of his most precious possessions – his honor. The slightest smile graced Leo's lips as he realized just what Kage's "trap" was, feeling his courage start to return to him. 'Thank you Sensei. Now I understand. I'll be home soon.' He closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath as he waited for the opportune moment to launch a counter attack.

Leo didn't have to wait long for his opportunity. He could hear Kage's cockiness as the impersonator taunted, "Well, Leonardo-sama, this has indeed been most enjoyable. But unfortunately, all things must come to an end. And for you that time is – " Kage was unable to finish his sentence for Leo grabbed a hold of Kage's hand and, using his feet to give his opponent an extra "lift", flipped him overhead.

Kage landed a small distance away on his carapace, knocking all the wind out of his lungs. Leo grabbed his katana and spun around to face his enemy, watching dispassionately as Kage struggled to both breathe evenly and get off his carapace. Eventually, Kage managed to right himself, his black eyes narrowed to slits as he hissed, "Kono gaki! I had you! You were breaking! It's impossible!"

Leo raised his blade and pointed it directly at Kage's face as he laughed, "Hahaha! I'll admit that you had me going for a while there. But I realized just what you were doing. You play a dirty game, Kage. I see how it's worked out for you in the past. Unfortunately, it'll no longer work."

Kage's black gaze smoldered as he grumbled, "I have no clue what you are referring to, _Leonardo-sama_."

Leo raised a brow at that. "Oh? You don't know? And here I thought you knew everything!" He grinned as Kage's expression became unreadable. "I guess you don't know me as well as you thought you did." If looks could kill, Leo knew he would be a pile of ash on the floor right now, but that didn't stop his teasing. "What's wrong? Don't like the taste of your own medicine?" Pleasure surged through him as Leo noticed Kage's expression becoming darker and more temperamental. "Should I explain?" Leo waited for Kage to respond, but other than a silent and a slightly more heated glare, the latter acted like he hadn't heard the question. Smirking, Leo decided that that was an answer all on its own.

"Very well. As you wish, _Kage-san_. Earlier today, I believed that I had lost my honor. But Sensei told me that as long as I have people who love me I'd never lose it. At the time, I didn't understand what he meant. Now it's different. I love my brothers. And I know that they feel the same way. Sure we fight and argue, but that doesn't change the fact we are a family. Sensei too. He's certainly strict, but we all know that deep down he loves us. Me too. And while I may not always feel worthy, they have given me everything that I need to defeat you – my honor." Beaming brightly, Leo bowed slightly as he added, "Thank you, Kage, for reminding me just what is at stake here."

Kage's eyes glittered ominously as he warily eyed his opponent. A grin formed on his face as he muttered, "I see. So my old tricks won't work on you anymore? Aren't you a clever boy. No matter though. There's an old saying that you'd be wise to remember, kid. It goes 'There's more than one way to skin a cat'." Turning back to his Leonardo form, Kage pointed one of the katana straight at Leo's face as he boldly stated, "Let's see how well you do against this!" Kage bunched his muscles underneath him before he leapt toward Leo, his katana moving swiftly.

Leo barely had time to jump out of the way of Kage's katana and he heard the air whoosh by him as a reminder of just how close he had been to receiving a severely disarming blow. Metal clashed with metal as both swordsmen fought and parried each other. After clashing seven times in a row with neither side giving an inch, Kage jumped back, panting with exhaustion. Leo also took the opportunity to regain his breath, equally curious and cautious as to what his adversary was planning next. A moment of silence stretched out between them before Kage broke the tension, "Not bad. I expected as much from you. It's not like you'd have any qualms about attacking yourself anyway." Leo's eyes widened as Kage's shape shifted into the likeness of Michelangelo, made complete by the nunchaku in his hands. "Let's see what happens if you have to fight the baby."

Leo growled, uncertainty flickering in his eyes, "I already told you! Your tricks will not work on me!" Rushing forward with his blades poised to attack Kage, he heard his heart scream at him 'That's Mikey! What are you thinking?! He's your baby brother!' His brain however argued, 'Fool! It's Kage! Not Mikey! Kage! An enemy! Not Mikey!' Leo's brain and heart continued their debate as he pounced on Kage, dropping his katana in the process, as they rolled about the room. Having pinned the imitator to the ground, Leo pulled his arm back, aiming a right hook for Kage's face.

Then Leo hesitated for the briefest moment as he looked into Kage's eyes, seeing light blue where there was supposed to be black. In a voice much more Mikey than Kage, Leo heard "Leo? Big Bro, you're scaring me."

Leo's determination broke. Internally, he was in he midst of a three-way war between his senses, his heart and his logic. Logic said 'You know it's Kage. Just do it! Hit him!' but it was fighting a losing battle against the combined efforts of his heart and senses, both of which were saying 'If it looks like Mike and sounds like Mike, it's Mike!'

Leo hesitantly let go of his target, unwilling and unable to punch his baby brother, which gave Kage just the opening he had been seeking. With a malicious grin that didn't belong on the happy-go-lucky turtle's face, Kage used both of his legs to kick Leo off of him. Leo flew into the wall, the impact causing the wind to leave his lungs in a rush. Sucking in deep breaths, Leo narrowed his eyes at the imposter, cursing himself for his hesitation. 'I should've just punched him…even if he did look and sound like Mikey, I knew better.'

Kage smirked, "So you are unable to attack your baby brother."

As Leo struggled to stand, he cast a burning glare at his enemy who continued to wear his baby brother's face. With a great amount of effort, he managed to get up and leaned against the wall for support, grumbling in his irritation "You sure talk tough for a coward."

Kage tilted his head to the side as he approached a wobbly Leo, his eyes shining with mischief, "You make it sound like I am supposed to play fair. I warned you in the beginning that I know the ins and outs of your psychology. I know what makes you tick and my job is to use that knowledge to unhinge you. For example, manipulating your guilt is the easiest way to get inside your head. It's really too easy to make you hate yourself. As much as you say that you believe your family loves and trusts you, all that means nothing if you can't love and trust yourself."

Leo watched in stunned silence as Kage's form shifted into his father's furry appearance. He had already decided that he would not let Kage's words affect him anymore, but he could not deny that his heart ached when he realized that Kage spoke the truth. He knew that he had a problem with his self-confidence. That was one of the main reasons why he thrived on praise, and wilted under criticism. He didn't trust himself, especially not after today. He'd probably never trust himself again. He needed the assurance that his family still loved him, even when he slipped up. But he was no fool. Deep down, he knew it would likely be a long time before he earned the love and respect of his family.

Suddenly, Leo's thoughts came to an abrupt end as he felt a foot connect with his cheek, sending him tumbling unceremoniously across the floor. When he stopped moving, he tasted blood and felt sick to his stomach at the metallic flavor. He spat, desperate to rid his mouth of the taste, but it seemed like the blood would not stop flowing. Feeling around with his tongue, he realized that he had bitten his cheek pretty severely and fear took hold of him. 'What if it doesn't stop bleeding?!' he thought in a panic. He'd been hit in the face before, but it seemed so much worse now. After all, this was the first time he had ever experienced so much blood pooling in his mouth. The first time he actually tasted blood.

He didn't have the luxury of contemplating the possibility of bleeding to death before Kage came from nowhere and delivered four swift punches to his lower plastron, and as he began to fall to his knees, Kage grabbed hold of Leo's arm and tossed him. Leo heard a crack as his shell took the brunt of his landing. Then he felt a sharp pain and a part of him wondered if he broke something. He remembered the time Mikey had broken his arm while playing in the sewer tunnels when they were little. At the time, Mikey described it as feeling like a sharp stabbing pain that faded out to a dull ache. 'Well, no dull ache right now.' he thought as he struggled to breathe, flipping himself over onto his plastron as an attempt to change the weight distribution on his stinging carapace. He found himself staring at the floor, pulling in shallow breaths as he tried to ignore how much his shell hurt.

A low growl rumbled in his chest as he felt Kage's hand grab his chin to make Leo look him in the face. Leo flinched at the unwelcome touch, his instincts screaming at him to recoil and escape. Unfortunately, his body refused to do anything except shiver continuously. Kage leaned in, his whiskers tickling the side of Leo's neck, and whispered, "Now now, Leonardo. You know as well as I do that you don't have the skills necessary to take me on while I'm using your father's abilities in your condition. Why not surrender? I promise that I'll not harm your _precious_ family if you give in peacefully. But if you insist on this pathetic resistance, I'll ensure that your brothers and father will suffer while you remain helpless to do anything but watch. Make the smart choice, Leonardo. Protect your family."


	13. Chapter 13

-Flashback: Leo-

"Surrender?" Leo mumbled, his exhaustion making it harder for him to think clearly. "Why would I do that?" In the distance, he saw his katana fade away into nothing. 'I guess I'm too tired.'

Kage blinked slowly, as if the answer were obvious, "Because a warrior should always know when they are beaten."

Leo frowned at that. "But I'm not beaten." He declared stubbornly. That got him a slap across the face from an annoyed Kage, and Leo had to remind himself that it was not his father who had struck him this time. 'Deep breaths, Leo. Deep breaths.' He thought to himself as he tried to think his way through the aching of his shell. He tried to reform his katana in his hands, but no matter how hard he focused, he couldn't manage to bring them back. 'I can't give up! Not yet!'

"I bet you think you're _adorable_!" Kage growled, becoming irritated with Leonardo's stubbornness. He let go of Leo's chin, certain that Leo wouldn't be able to do anything. When he turned around to face the other direction the young ninja took the opportunity to dive into the unsuspecting black eyed rat.

Leo's heart was pounding heavily as adrenaline coursed through his body. He couldn't feel the pain from his carapace any longer, but instead he felt a strange sensation come over him as he jumped and dodged around his startled enemy. He couldn't help but smile as he felt his focus sharpen, his senses heighten, his strength increase while his speed and reflexes rose. 'I have no idea what this is, but I like it' he thought with pleasure.

When Kage finally was able to realize just what was going on, it was too late. Every attack he launched in Leo's direction was dodged perfectly, and then Leo would strike back quickly before retreating a few steps. The shadow growled in frustration. Leo was moving completely differently than before, as if controlled by mere instincts. Then Kage saw the look in Leo's eyes when the young turtle came up a little bit closer than previously and gasped, "Your eyes!"

Leo had no idea what Kage was talking about. He smirked, "What about them?" As far as Leo could tell, his vision had improved and he was seeing so clearly. He wasn't like Donnie after all. He could live with not knowing every detail about everything the world had to offer.

Kage didn't reply, he was fixated, staring intensely into Leo's eyes that had glazed over, giving them a cloudy - almost white - appearance. Wiping a thin line of blood from his lip he grumbled, "I underestimated you. I didn't think you would be able to defile your idol like this."

Leo blinked, meeting Kage's black gaze steadily with his nearly white gaze, and stated matter of factly, "Sensei can't be taken down so easily. The very fact I've hit you so many times just proves that you aren't Sensei!" He felt rejuvenated, so he tried once again to form his katana using his willpower. When it worked, he grinned and leveled the point of his katana directly in the direction of Kage's face. "Your tricks won't work forever!"

Spotting a moment of vulnerability Leo rushed in, running in a zigzag to try and disorient Kage. Performing a somersault, he swung his katana downward, his determination to win causing him to attack with a little more aggression than he really wanted to. As Kage flipped back to dodge, the blade nicked him on his face leaving a scarlet rivulet running down to the floor.

Seeing red drops on the floor and on his blade, Leo froze, his mind seizing as he remembered what had happened the last time he drew blood. 'You'd strike down your own father?!' He shook his head violently, dropping the katana in horror. "No…No!" He yelled, trying to silence the accusing thoughts that swirled in his head. He had no idea why they assaulted him like this. He _knew_ that it wasn't his father before him. Sensei would never allow him and his brothers to get close enough to strike him. His father was too skilled, too strong, and too perfect to be defeated. And yet…

Suddenly the pain returned to him all at once. His right leg screamed, his fists throbbed and his carapace was protesting all the stress it had been under. He fell to the floor, quivering as his nerves were firing nonstop messages to his brain, angry that Leo had pushed himself this far under the influence of adrenaline. Hissing through clenched teeth, Leo hesitantly wondered if he had overdone it. And once again he saw his katana disappear.

Kage watched this all happen with an intense interest. A wicked smile formed on his lips while he laughed, "You forgot you are just a child, _Leonardo-sama_. You can't do all those fancy flips and maneuvers without paying the consequences." He began to approach a panting Leonardo, changing his appearance yet again to use Donatello's abilities. He stopped and stood right before his _king_ looking down at him dispassionately. As he drew the bo staff, he felt nothing.

Leo flinched as he saw Kage's feet enter his peripheral vision. Clenching his eyes shut, he braced himself for the end of everything he knew. Stars exploded in his vision when a blow to his shoulder flattened him to the floor, his whole arm aching. He couldn't help letting out small yelps with each blow he felt rain down on him.

After having laid still for about a minute of constant thuds of wood against his wounded body, Leo's survival instincts kicked in. 'I have to get away!' he thought desperately. He tried to roll away from the enemy, from the pain, and from that dreaded bo staff. He only managed to get himself about a meter away before Kage grabbed him by the ankle and threw him into the floor.

When Leo landed his head smacked into the ground, dazing and threatening to pull him into the dark haze of unconsciousness. 'Gotta stay awake' Leo's mind managed to think tiredly. It was getting harder now for him to understand the vague ideas running through his head. He didn't know how, but somewhere in the foggy mess of his brain, he became aware that Kage was approaching him.

Kage shifted back to his default "Leonardo" form, feeling mentally drained and too physically exhausted to continue the battle. "Have you blacked out yet?" He asked in a flat tone.

Leo opened his mouth to speak, but found that no words would come to him. Since he was trapped in silence, he shook his head, ignoring the intense throbbing that came with it. He continued to feel Kage's cold stare bore into him. He didn't like it, he always felt uncomfortable when he was the center of attention.

Kage collapsed in front of Leonardo, too tired to remain standing and stared at the floor between them. "Heh. Didn't think so. You are one stubborn kid. But in the end, I'll win. Your inner world will collapse, crushing you beneath its weight." Kage paused and stared directly into Leonardo's eyes and continued in a defeated tone, "It's nothing personal. Just business."

Leo felt intrigued by the sudden change in demeanor and tone, his eyes shining with curiosity. His confusion helped to push away the rolling darkness. "What do you mean?"

Kage's eyes burned as he growled, "What do I mean?! What kind of question is that?! Geez! I mean that for most individuals in the world, I do not exist. Only people who are aware of this realm can even have a chance to meet me, yet they don't. And for people like _you_ ," his eyes narrowed at Leo, "who are foolish enough to even try to seal me away, I have the special honor of meeting you in person. Of course, then I have to fight you so that you can have a chance to regain your sanity. And I've never lost a match, so you can imagine what happened to all of them." His voice rose in indignation as he spat, "It's not like I know you well enough to have a personal problem with you!"

Suddenly, Leonardo became aware of what the real heart of the issue was. 'He's lonely…' he thought sadly, pitying the creature that sat before him. Fortunately, Leo had always had his brothers and his Sensei there for him. He'd never known the pain of true solitude.

But he could relate to the pain of losing the only sense of companionship he could have. After all, he felt that pain not that long ago, when Kage was teasing and taunting him for how he attacked his brother Raph earlier that day. For the first time, Leo felt completely and utterly alone. It was only due to the timely intervention of Sensei's words that he remembered that he wasn't. He had a family waiting for him, and he refused to let them down.

Kage's words from earlier flashed through his head, _"You must pass a test."_ All at once, the words took on a whole new meaning. 'Now that I think about it' Leo pondered in silence, 'Kage never outright stated that the test was a fight. What if…?' He grinned, deciding to take the chance, and asked, "How about we call it a tie, Kage?"

Kage blinked in confusion as he slowly processed what Leo had just said. "A tie?"

"Yeah. It's pretty clear that I can't beat you and you can't beat me. Especially now."

"I guess…but what should we do? Sign a contract? Write up a treaty? You get weekdays while I get weekends and holidays?"

"No," Leo said, shaking his head slowly. "We compromise. You can have the freedom to roam wherever you want in my Mind. But I stay in control."

Kage stared at Leo with surprised black eyes and laughed, "Hahaha! That's rich. I don't buy it!"

"I'm serious," Leo stated, his expression leaving no room for doubt. "I'll even visit you during meditation so you can help me gain better self control."

A long silence stretched out between them. Kage leaned in close to Leo's face, his black eyes narrowed to suspicious slits as he growled, "And why would I do that?"

Leo stared directly into Kage's eyes and replied, "Because you wouldn't be alone anymore."

To say that Kage was startled would be an understatement. He had never experienced anything like this before. He would come, fight, and defeat his foolish _kings_. He would watch them break as everything they held dear to them was destroyed. He would tell them that he cared not what happened to them. It was their fault after all. And yet, the one that he found he truly despised was the only one to offer him what he wanted most in the world. Companionship. Maintaining a mask of indifference, he snarled, "If you renege on this, I swear that I will tear down the walls of your inner world and destroy your family!"

Offering his hand in a peaceful gesture, Leo vowed, "I swear on my honor that I will never go back on my word."

Kage studied Leo carefully, his gaze shifting between his hand and his face. A tad begrudgingly, Kage clasped Leo's hand and the two shook. Kage couldn't help but grin, he knew that Leo held his honor too tightly to let it become sullied by a broken vow. He did not fully understand why this knowledge filled him with joy. He chanced a glance into Leo's warm and honest gaze and found that, although they were far from friends, he wouldn't mind helping this kid learn self-control. After all, as the true source of Leonardo-sama's emotions, Kage knew best.

After a firm handshake, Leo backed away shyly and muttered, "I have to go back to my brothers. I'll be back again soon." And with that, Leo returned to the world of the living, feeling at peace for the first time all day.

Before he opened his eyes, he heard the voices of people around him.

"Sensei! If he was only meditating then why is he all beat up?!"

"I do not know, Donatello."

"But it isn't normal!"

"Shut up, Donnie!"

"Raphael! Watch your language!"

"Ooooh. Raph's in trouble!"

Leo stirred, opening his eyes and seeing three blurry green blobs and a huge brown blob before him. After he blinked a few times, he could clearly tell that the previously unidentifiable blobs were his brothers and Sensei. "Minna?" he whispered hoarsely.

"Leo!" "Are you okay?" "How do you feel?" his brothers said simultaneously in their eagerness to be helpful.

"Yeah. I'm ok." He said a little more forcefully. His body ached, and he felt it was hard for him to breathe. When he managed to look at himself, he saw that he was completely covered in bandages. "What's all this?" He asked, thoroughly confused as to his current state of being.

"Leonardo, some strange things occurred during your meditation and you became injured. You have a broken rib, a severe concussion, a torn hamstring and your hands are swollen." Master Splinter answered, his tone laden with worry.

"Oh," was all Leo could think of to say.

A long silence stretched out between them before Sensei asked cautiously, "Is Kage gone?"

Feeling the familiar pull of unconsciousness trying once again to drag him under, Leo yawned as he replied, "He's still in my head, Sensei."

His world became black as he willingly submitted to his exhaustion.


	14. Chapter 14

-Present time-

April sat in the complete silence that had taken up residence in Leo's room. The blue-eyed leader had been lost in his thoughts for going on nearly three minutes and she was starting to feel uncomfortable. She had watched his eyes become darker and darker, and there was even a period of time where she could have sworn they had turned nearly black! 'I was just imagining it.' She eventually managed to convince herself.

A rustling at the door brought the three other boys to her attention. She puffed her cheeks as she huffed in annoyance. "Leo may be willing to ignore the three eavesdroppers, but I'm sure not." Turning a glare in their direction, an idea suddenly popped into her head. 'If Leo isn't talking around me…maybe…' Deciding she had no better ideas to try, she walked over to the door. As she opened it, she met the startled gazes of three turtles.

"Well, hi, April!" Mikey exclaimed with a huge grin on his face. Under her accusing stare, his grin wilted and he asked, "How'd you know we were here?"

"Well other than the rustling, the bickering and the shadows under the door," she stated in an amused way, "I'm a kunoichi now."

Raph gave Mikey a withering glare, smacking him upside the head as he complained, "See? You mess up everything!"

Unperturbed, Mikey shrugged and rolled his eyes at the hothead. And Raph looked about ready to tackle his baby brother into submission.

Ignoring his brothers, Donnie looked intensely into April's eyes and muttered, "How's he doing?"

Immediately, Mikey and Raph stopped what they were doing and returned their attention to April. She swallowed nervously under the combined power of their three curious and concerned stares. "He hasn't said anything for a while. I think he's lost inside his head."

"Of course he is!" Raph growled in his mounting fury.

Mikey and Donnie's gazes shifted between April, Raph and each other. Their forlorn expressions caused April's heart to clench inside her chest before she boldly stated, "I have a plan."

Feeling their eager gazes peering into the depths of her clear blue eyes, April explained her plan to help Leo – and the whole family although she didn't mention it – get past what happened five years ago.

"Let's do this!" "I think this will work!" "All together bros!" came their eager responses.

Grinning, April led the way back into Leo's dark room, feeling quite proud of herself.

Almost immediately after they entered, Leo stirred, giving April an annoyed glare and asked, "What are you doing, April?"

"I'm bringing in allies," came her hasty response. "I didn't think you'd mind. After all, you knew that they were listening in before I did."

"That was different," Leo sighed, his gaze lowering to the ground as he spoke.

Raph pushed forward, his green eyes smoldering as he growled, "How so, Fearless? Tell me!" 'Trust me!' he thought angrily, hurt beyond belief that his big brother still continued to hold it all in.

If Leo flinched at being called by that hated nickname, April didn't see it. What she did see, however, was how he attempted to retreat within himself. Scowling, she pulled out her trump card. "Leonardo," she yelled, using his full name for effect, "can't you see that your brothers are being affected as well?"

That got Leo's full attention. He opened his mouth as if to speak but then slammed it shut, shaking his head in a silent protest. He was tired and he – he hated to admit it – was terrified to hear how his brothers still feared or hated him.

For the past five years he had desperately wanted to believe that it had never happened. That he hadn't really injured his brother, that he hadn't really encountered Kage. But every time he meditated and saw that he wasn't alone in his Mind, he knew that it wasn't just a nightmare. Every time he saw Raph, he was reminded of his crime.

Seeing that Leo was beginning to panic, April glanced over at Raph and mouthed _GO!_

Raph nodded and tackled his brother off of the bed where he sat and onto the floor. As Leo's eyes went wide with shock, Raph yelled, "Fearless! You need to trust me!" His vision became blurry as he started to choke back his sobs, "We're brothers! I've always got your back! And…I forgave you already! It wasn't your fault!"

Leo turned his head away from his brother and stared at the wall across from him. He did remember Raph saying that he had forgiven him all those years ago, but it didn't change the fact he felt he didn't deserve it. He hadn't suffered long enough to make up for the pain and trauma he had caused. His voice too shaky to speak with more authority, he whispered, "I do trust you. But you're wrong. Everything that happens is always my fault."

"Dammit Fearless!" Raph was screaming now, his typical response to emotional anguish threatening to kick in at any second. He punched the floor right in front of Leo's face with his fist, bringing Leo's attention back to the temperamental turtle on top of him. "How many times do I have to say it?! It's my fault! April told me! You don't remember everything! So how can you be so damn sure that I am in the clear! Huh? Tell me how I didn't deserve it after everything I said! Tell me how I didn't push you over the edge!"

April, Mikey and Donnie were watching the two oldest brothers in complete silence. April couldn't believe the words that were coming out Raph's mouth. She'd never heard them use that language before. It got to the point that she didn't think they even knew swear words. She leaned in closer to Donnie and whispered, "Does he always talk like this?"

"Only when he's really upset," he replied just as quietly.

"I remember enough!" Leo's raised voice brought April's attention back to the action in front of her. Leo's eyes were stern as he stared unflinchingly into Raph's face, continuing his previous line of thought, "I remember becoming angry! I remember making you hate me! I remember giving you those scars! I remember scaring our little brothers! That's why I don't deserve it, Raphael!"

"And why the shell not?!"

"Because..." Leo drew in a deep breath, calming himself back down before he continued, "I should have had better self control. I shouldn't have allowed myself to become angry. I shouldn't have let you all pay the price for my own weakness."

Raph stared at his brother in disbelief, struggling to understand just what Leo was saying. After it finally sunk in, he swallowed and spoke hoarsely, "You were just a kid. You tried…so hard…but I…I wanted a fight..." Raph's voice died, his desperate gaze turning to one of the younger brothers.

Seeing that Raph was no longer able to speak, Mikey joined in, "Dude, you can't keep doing this." Leo turned his attention to the youngest, watching with a calm expression as Mikey spoke, "I wasn't scared of you. I was scared because I thought you really believed everything Raph said. You have to believe me!"

Leo blinked, confused about what his orange-clad brother was saying. He looked at April to see if she had a clue as to what was going on but when she kept her eyes focused on Mikey's face, he followed suit.

Seeing that Leo was completely clueless, Mikey shook his head sadly. "This is why I hate seeing you like this. You always blame yourself even when it isn't your fault. You protect us even when we don't want it." Tears started to run down his face as he sunk to his knees and sobbed, "You're the best big brother I could ever have! I just want you to let yourself feel happy or sad or angry or scared. I want you to be free, Leo."

"I can't afford to be like that, Mikey. I've hurt all of you." Leo's eyes bounced between all three of his brothers before finally resting on that accursed scar that Raph wore on his shell. "Some more obvious than others…" he muttered to himself quietly.

"Yeah, we were hurt. But so were you, Leonardo." Donnie spoke after a brief moment of silence had settled over them. "Splinter told us about how you were going to meditate for a while. But then you started getting injured. They just kept popping up! I couldn't fix you fast enough. You were in pain and I couldn't do anything to help. I was so afraid we were going to lose you. I never want to feel that again."

' _Just look at them, Leonardo-sama.'_ A teasing voice called out to him from inside his head. _'That red-head was right you know. Your brothers have some severe issues. …And you're not as bad as you think.'_

'Oh, so you like me now? What's the deal?'

' _Pfft. Don't get the wrong idea, kid.'_

Forgetting that he wasn't alone in the room, Leo muttered, "Whatever you say, Kage."

This definitely caught Donnie's interest. Somewhere in the vast expanse of his mind he remembered the time when he last heard the name "Kage."

-Flashback: Donnie-

"Is Kage gone?"

"He's still in my head, Sensei."

Donnie couldn't do anything but watch as his brother Leo fell into unconsciousness. His attention turned to his sensei and the expression on the rat's face nearly broke him. "Sensei? Who's Kage?" he asked hesitantly, hoping against hope that answer would be good.

Master Splinter let out a defeated sigh and turned around to face Don and his brothers. "Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo. I am afraid that Leonardo's sanity is in peril."

"WHAT?!" Donnie yelled simultaneously with his brothers, his shock causing his voice to rise in pitch.

"My sons, Leonardo felt exceedingly guilty for his actions today. In response, he took it upon himself to partake in a very extreme ritual." Sensei was silent for a while before he continued, "Kage is a being who appeared before Leonardo in his Mind as a result. This…shadow claimed to be the embodiment of Leonardo's truest emotions. What I sensed from it…if this creature had anything to do with what happened to my old friend, then the very knowledge that Leonardo claims that Kage is still inside his head means that Leonardo was unable to defeat it."

"What does that mean, Sensei?" Donnie asked, fearing the answer that he had already guessed would greet his ears.

"It means that if Leonardo ever becomes too emotional, his inner world could collapse and he would fall into insanity."

Donnie stood in stunned silence, turning a wide-eyed glance to each of his brothers who were also like statues. Sure, Sensei had mentioned the possibility before he had gone to help Leo in the other realm. But now, it was completely different. 'Leo…lost? Leo's…in danger?...I don't believe it! No! Leo couldn't have lost! Aniki never loses!...unless he faces Sensei…but still!' His mind spun, rejecting the very idea that his big brother could ever lose.

"Master Splinter," Donnie heard Raph choke out, "how can we help him?"

Another long silence stretched out between the four of them before Father finally said, "I do not know."

"I know!" Mikey exclaimed happily. "I'll just cheer him up whenever he gets upset!"

Donnie couldn't help but gaze warmly at the optimistic turtle. Mikey's huge grin had the ability to make all the problems in the world go away. However, this time not even Mikey's grin could make it all better. He kept his mouth shut when he saw Raph and Splinter give him a cautionary stare. 'Better to let Mikey stay optimistic about this while he can.' He thought as his eyes dropped down to his unconscious brother on the couch. 'I mean, I know that it all depends on you, Aniki. But I can pretend for Mike. It's what you'd want me to do.'

-Present time-

"So Kage is still around, huh Leonardo?" Donnie pressed, his brown eyes narrowed to slits.

Leo didn't know what surprised him more. The fact that his brother said Kage's name, or the accusation that lay bare in the seemingly innocent question. He hesitated before answering, "Well…yeah. He's still in my Mind."

"Well why haven't you gotten rid of him?! He's a monster!" Donnie's voice tightened as anger started to burn within him. "You're stronger than he is! You're better! Don't you know what could happen to you if you get emotional? To us? Don't you care that he'll destroy you?!"

Leo flinched beneath the power of his brother's fury. If Raph's temper was like an erupting volcano, then Donnie's was cataclysmic. Don just had a longer fuse, but woe to the brother who is nearby when the bomb explodes. "Of course I do! And that's why he's still here!" He protested, feeling hurt that his brother could even think that he didn't care about what happened to them.

"What do you mean 'that's why he's still here'?" Donnie asked, his expression and tone struggling to calm down after his earlier outburst.

"I mean that Kage is the one who has been helping me with my self control. I was too weak all those years ago. So I would meditate, speak with him and now I have a pretty good hold on my emotions because of his help. We have a special agreement and like it or not he's here to stay."

' _It is annoying having to teach a brat how to hold your leash.'_ Kage's voice called out again.

'You may not like it, but at least having a leash means that someone cares enough about you to keep you close.' Leonardo thought in response. He smiled internally when he found that Kage didn't have a retort ready for that.

With all that she had heard, April finally understood just why everyone had reacted the way they did when she reported what she had seen in Leo's eyes. Her curiosity getting the better of her, she asked, "So did Kage take control of you earlier today against the Footbots?"

After a brief moment of hesitation, Leo nodded and said, "Yes. I wasn't in the right state of mind, so Kage took control." When he saw the shocked, outraged and horrified expressions on everyone's faces he quickly added, "I already told you. We have a special agreement. And he wouldn't betray me. I trust him."

He watched and waited as everyone visibly relaxed, and he realized that he too felt more at peace. When he gazed at his hands, he found that he didn't hate them anymore. Or at least, not to the extent that he used to. On some level, Leo knew that he would never be able to completely let all his guilt go. It was too ingrained into his psyche to never pick up his katana out of anger because of the guilt he felt. But he could at least revel in the fact that his brothers didn't fear or hate him, and that was good enough for him.

April couldn't help but smile as she observed the change that occurred over the boys. 'I think I've accomplished what I needed to do here today.' she thought with pride. Placing her hands on her hips she ordered, "Okay now. Group hug. Go on."

She was content to stand outside the circle and watch, but that wasn't what her brothers had in mind. Without asking her for her opinion, they pulled her into the circle and they all stood clustered together for about thirty seconds, wearing silly grins on their faces.

When their hug ended, Mikey, Donnie and Raph each cast mischievous glances at each other and began to affectionately bicker as they left Leo's room.

"We should stomp some sleaze balls!" "No. We should watch Super Robo Mecha Force Five!" "How about I show you guys the modifications I made to the Shell Raiser?" "NO!"

April shook her head with a smile as she watched them leave. When she turned her attention back to Leo, she was surprised to find herself wrapped up in another hug from the blue-eyed leader. She heard him mutter, "Thank you…for everything."

"But I didn't do anything." She protested softly.

"Wrong. You forced me to face my…demons from the past. I'm better now. And so are my brothers. All thanks to you."

April was touched to say the least. Choking back her tears she whispered, "Need help fixing your bed? Raph messed it up when he tackled you earlier."

Leo laughed and let go of her, "Haha. No. I've got it."

As she turned to walk out of his room, she heard Leo say, "Watashi wa hanata wo nogashita, chiinee-san."

April froze before stepping out, trying to remember what Japanese she had managed to learn before her grudge got in the way of their friendship. Smiling, she replied, "Watashi mo, chiinii-san."

"Arigatou."

April ended up spending the rest of the day with the brothers, only returning home to eat dinner with her aunt back home. On her way home, she found her thoughts consumed by how special each and every one of the boys were to her heart. Leonardo, the dedicated leader who would do anything to ensure that his family didn't have to suffer. Raphael, the passionate hot-head who is more of a softie than he lets on. Donatello, the genius who, when he isn't being awkward, is one of the sweetest people she could ever know. And finally, Michelangelo, the goofball who hates to see the people he cares about feeling upset.

Before she walked into her house, she declared loudly to herself, "From now on, whenever anything tries to tear them apart, I will be there to help put them back together." As she walked into her home and gave her aunt a hug, she had one last thought run through her head. 'Zutto.'

-END-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of my very first fanfiction ever. Thank you for reading it. :)
> 
> Real quick Japanese lesson (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong):
> 
> "Aniki" = "Big brother"  
> "Watashi wa hanata wo nogashita, chiinee-san" = "I missed you, little big-sister"  
> "Watashi mo, chiinii-san" = "Me too, little big brother"  
> "Arigatou" = "Thank you"  
> "Zutto" = "Forever"


End file.
